Delhi is a city that should probably get renamed as the ‘jungle of uncivilized idiots’, because that’s what it actually is. Most people are under the illusion that Delhi, being the capital of India, would be home to highly sophisticated, open minded, educated and civil people. Well, they’re wrong on all accounts. The people of Delhi are rude, uncouth, uneducated, hooligan-like and have zero civic sense. The response to a regular ‘good morning’ is ‘bh****d’ and the only way to greet an old friend is use the signature word from the song Bhaag DK Bose. Girls are nothing more than sex objects walking around the roads in the eyes of men, and boys are nothing more than living ATM machines in the eyes of girls.
But before I go on an endless rant that would threaten to burst my insulated bubble of repressed emotions, let me talk about the one place that all these wonderful qualities become one cohesive whole – the roads.
Yes, driving in Delhi is like waging a war on a gang of frustrated monsters let loose by accident. Everyone is in a hurry, everyone is in a bad mood and everyone is raring to fight with each other. If ear rape was a term, then I’d have reported 1 million ear rapes by now alone. Lanes are just stupid white marks painted on the roads by people who had too much time on their hands, and sensible parking is a term last heard in the days of Mahabharat.
Although there are an unfathomable number of idiots on the roads of Delhi, here are my top 10. These are the ones who make me want to kill myself.
10) Non-stop honkers: These are the people who know how to press the horn, but don’t know when to stop. They do it just to annoy the person in front of them to an extent that he would give way just to shut them up. They do not give a single eff about the density of the traffic or the existence of something known as a red light. They honk at red lights, they honk in traffic jams, they honk when they want to overtake, they honk at night, they honk just for fun. This is the number one reason for so many ear rapes.
9) Deep stare: These are the people who literally sink their eyes into you when they pass you by to show how much you have irritated them and that you don’t know how to drive. I call it the ‘Delhi stare’ because I haven’t come across a stare so intimidating and uninhibited anywhere else. It doesn’t matter that they’re the ones overtaking from the left, or that they chose to ignore your indicator, they give you the stare just because they want to and because sadak unke baap ki hai.
(Sorry, don’t have a pic for it. But they look like something like this ^)
8) Misogynists: People who hate it when girls drive. I could get all emotional about this, let my subjectivity cloud my judgement and claim that the entire population of Delhi is misogynist when it comes to driving, but I’m not so unfair. Truthfully, 99% of Delhi’s population is misogynist when it comes to girls who drive. Every single time someone sees me overtakes them, they look at me and think “Gaadi chalani toh aati nahi hai, aa jaati hain pata nahi kahaan kahaan se”. Everytime I try to park in a crowded place, I have at least 20 pairs of eyeballs staring at me, silently betting among themselves that I won’t be able to do it, or some random mango seed jumps out and tries to help me. It doesn’t matter that more than 70% of Delhi’s road accidents are caused by reckless young men who think they bought the right to drive like NFS drivers along with their Audi. FYI, I drive like a baws.
7) High-beamers: Every time I come across one of these at night, I think I’m either going to have a seizure, or I’m going to go color blind. They either don’t know that one is supposed to drive with low-beam on a two way road, or they know but just don’t care because sadak unke baap ki hai. My incessant attempts to get the message across by giving them the dipper go in vain. They pass me by with a smirk on their face and a cigarette between their fingers. Shocking news! They’ve all mostly been cocky and arrogant men.
6) Dumb park-ers: Now these are the people who can belong in either category: 1) Stupid, or 2) Arrogant asses. If they’re stupid and don’t know how to park, they do the best they can and stick their car in the empty space in an unorganized way. I don’t really hate people like that because their intention isn’t to cause trouble (Although I do have a problem with stupid people who are also stubborn and won’t learn) If someone is an arrogant ass, he (or she) will intentionally park in an unorganized or uncivilized way just to prove that they have personal claim on that particular space and no one else can squeeze as much as an inch of their vehicle into it, because Sadak unke baap ki hai. You would mostly come across this breed of people in residential colonies (there are plenty in mine) who use tactics like brick barricading to reserve their parking space.
Parking is actually a major problem in Delhi. There is hardly an inch of space left for people to park anymore. If a world war III ever breaks out, it’s going to be over parking space.
5) The fighters: No, there is nothing heroic about this point. These are the people who are basically ready to fight at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I think they’re waiting for something to happen so that they can jump out of their scorpios, innovas and Mahindra 500s and started vomiting out all the swear words in the unpublished Hindi dictionary. If you come within the radius of even half a foot of their car, they will erupt like a volcano. Most of the traffic blocks in Delhi happen because of some or the other senseless fight between two morons who think they’re the kings of the world, while you’re 10 meters away holding your pee in your bladder, waiting for the traffic to move. Why do they do it? Because sadak unke baap ki hai.
4) Road Rash fans: Yes, I suppose these are the people who grew up playing Road Rash way too often (So did I, but thankfully I didn’t get fixated on it) These are the people who drive the way they want and don’t give a rat’s fart about how many accidents they cause along the way. They cut lanes without indicators and in between moving vehicles, they overtake left, right and center, they take a right turn without prior indication and they don’t know that cars can also move at a speed below 60 km/hr. These are mostly rich dudes with daddy’s money stuffed in their pants. They obviously think they own the world and everything in it, because whoever dares to fight them, would either end up in jail themselves or in a hospital with injuries they couldn’t pay for. Sadak clearly unke baap ki hai.
3) Bus drivers: I really don’t think anything needs to be said here. The only people who give me the heebie-jeebies while driving are bus drivers. Enough said.
2) Bikers: PEOPLE DIE BECAUSE OF YOU IDIOTS! GO DIE.
1) Taxi drivers: There is a reason why these people are number 1 on my list, and that reason is that if there is one breed of species that you should be scared of more than the Nazis, then it is the Taxi drivers. They are dangerous when you are sitting in their car, and they are dangerous when you are driving along with them on the roads. They are the original and real daredevils of Delhi, and the fact that they don’t actually own the cars they drive only adds to their recklessness. If rash drivers don’t know any speed below 60, these guys don’t know any speed below 100 km/hr. Speed breakers, red lights, lanes, indicators and speed limits are concepts that only exist in the Non-Newtonian world for them. I have a hanuman chalisa handy just in case I come across one.
P.S – I’m talking about the private taxi drivers here.