Dear Indian Parents, why so entitled?

Now this is something I feel I need to talk about, especially in the context of our society. I haven’t written in a while and my writing skill has become quite rusty, but I have been feeling extremely confused, hurt and misguided lately and I needed to vent. So, coming to the question I am trying to pose – Dear Indian parents, why are you so entitled? Why do you think that you are entitled to your kid’s love, respect, obedience, compliance and support? Why do you think that your kid, in some way, is obligated to make you happy?

Because you went through pain to have them? Because you invested time, money, emotions and energy into raising them? Because you made sacrifices and compromises? Because you fought with others to keep them happy and safe? Because you put their well-being above your own? So now that they’re a little grown up and have a mind of their own, you expect something in return for everything you did? Wait. Was this arrangement supposed to work in this investment-ROI like fashion? Why wasn’t I told?

Before addressing the core issue here (which is extremely unhealthy and screwed up) I would like to pose another question – Why do people decide to have kids? Is it because you are already in a happy place in life, and feel emotionally, mentally and financially secure and strong enough to be able to share love with another human being without expecting anything in return or is it because you’re extremely unhappy with your life and feel that a kid will make it better? or because you’re lonely? or because you’re too bored in life and want a ‘project’ to work on? or because you can’t stand your spouse and want a reason to stay in the marriage? or because you are concerned about your old-age? or because you want someone else to fulfill your incomplete dreams? or because you want to fill a void in your life?

What is it?

I truly feel that people don’t decide to become ‘parents’ for the right reasons, especially in our country. Even if we exclude the people who are pressurized into having a child, the remaining percentage don’t have very healthy reasons either. That is where the dysfunction begins and keeps spiraling out of control. If you decide to have kids for any reason other than unconditionally sharing love and raising a healthy human being who will be (and should be) independent enough to make his/her own choices, then you my friend, have a problem. You are invariably going to download all your problems, issues and sorrows onto your kid and expect him/her to somehow a) either give you a solution or b) be the solution.

There are so many parents who tell themselves – we will not end up being like our parents. Well, bullshit. You are your parents plus more issues. It is so difficult to dissociate ourselves from our parents’ identity and personality in our culture – it takes a lot of awareness and almost an entire lifetime’s work to achieve that. Why? Because most of us are brought up within enmeshed relationships. Boundaries? What are those? Our parents have a right to know and interfere in everything. Free will? What’s that? I can only go out with friends that my parents like and marry the love of my life as long as my parents approve. Questioning parents’ decisions, opinions and beliefs? Prepare for a crash landing, kids. That’s never going to fly.

We’re never taught to be individuals with our own separate set of beliefs, opinions and principles. We’re always an extension of our parents. Any form of disagreement is seen as disrespect. (Because ‘respect’ is gulping down your opinion and putting your parents’ happiness above your own) Respect is a concept that only works one way, because parents will never respect our choices and decisions. And if those choices fall way beyond their radar of “what’s ok” – then you’re officially a rotten kid and have given them so much pain you should die in a pool of guilt. In short, the term ‘Indian parents’ should officially be synonymous with ‘insecure’. They’re so insecure about themselves that they cannot stand their kid being too different, or else – a question is raised on everything they did based on their belief system so far in their life, and they cannot be in that uncomfortable position of accepting that they might have been wrong at some point. (The horror)

You see, part of being a secure and mature human being is the ability to empathize and accept your mistakes when you make them (everyone does). In my understanding, Indian parents are neither. But the blame isn’t just theirs, it’s a dysfunction that has been passed down generations.

Coming to the core issue – if you think your kids owe you anything in return for your love and care, then you have issues that need to be dealt with before assuming that you deserve to be parents. Love, respect and care are mutual emotions that should be given unconditionally without expecting anything in return. If you are going to guilt trip your kids about your sacrifices and financial investments – Don’t be a parent. If you’re going to use the victim card to get what you want – Don’t be a parent. If you’re going to expect your kid to support you emotionally – Don’t be a parent. If you’re going to shove your beliefs and opinions down his/her throat – Don’t be a parent. If you have a problem accepting your kid as a separate individual who will have different opinions – Don’t be a parent. If you cannot accept the fact that your kid will not always agree with you – Don’t be a parent. When you bring a child into this world, he/she needs you and depends on you for physical, mental and emotional well being and continues to need you until he/she becomes an adult. You do not, and should not, need or depend upon your kid for any of those.

You don’t have the emotional bandwidth or maturity to be a parent. Please deal with your issues first. Also, if you do your parenting right – your kid will shower you with unconditional love and support, without you having to ask for it. A child’s first impression of the world is his/her parents. If you have truly loved your child without emotionally fucking him/her up – he/she will always stand with you and before you. Try it.

A kid’s love is a precious gift. It’s not your right. You chose to have a child and bring another human being into this world. If you’re putting your best foot forward to take care of him/her, it’s not a favor or a debt the kid has to repay later. If you have problems, they’re your responsibility, not your kids’. In US, if you put undue pressure on your kids or raise them in unhealthy households, the social security services will come and take your kid away. They have an accountability system in place. Raise your kid in a healthy environment or lose your right to be parents. Unfortunately in India, just having given birth to a child is enough criteria to qualify to be a parent. You can do whatever the fuck you want with that child. Because maa ke charnon mein swarg hota hai.

If a kid is being abused emotionally and physically in a house, there is absolutely nowhere he/she can go to seek safety and protection. We just have to wing it. And the number of kids being raised in abusive and unhealthy homes in our country is shocking. What is even more shocking is that most of them don’t even know they’re being abused.

I may not be a human child’s parent, but I am a pet parent to a wonderful and amazing dog called Brownie, who I adopted out of my own free will. It is my responsibility to make sure that she receives care, love and a safe environment. I didn’t do it because I wanted a watch dog or because I was lonely. I did it because her being there truly made me happy. Sometimes I have to put up with messy situations, she poops and pees anywhere, she tears everything apart, she whines for no reason and doesn’t listen to a single command, she demands too much attention, interrupts work and hardly shows any affection in return – I get annoyed sometimes. But I have to remind myself that I signed up for this. If I wanted a picture perfect dog who would sit when I asked her to sit, stand when I asked her to stand, mingled only with the dogs I liked and showed affection to me all the time – I would just sit and watch Scooby Doo on TV.

Even after 4 or 5 years, if I give her too much stress or take away her sense of safety, she will either show me aggression (biting) or simply run away, and I wouldn’t be able to do a single thing. She felt threatened and left to preserve herself. Is she obligated to stick with me despite the stress and abuse, just because I took care of her for so long?

NO.

I am just glad that I have a dog who will bite me if I cross her boundaries, as compared to a human child who will continue to suffer in silence thinking it’s okay just because I’m a parent. Nothing scares me more.

 

Counting those days – One shot | Fiction

I’ve written so much fiction and posted it across so many portals over the years; I don’t even remember all my stories. Which is a shame because it seems like I had much more clarity of thought back then. I wrote this about 6 years ago 😮 (I know, I’m equally shocked) when I had the emotional range of a teaspoon and had major rose colored glasses on. I should really hunt down all my stories and upload them here. For a perspective check, if nothing else. Look at me, trying to be all mature at the age of 17 about things like love. Pfft. (I’m no better now btw)
Anyway, here it goes.
_______________________________________________________________

2 months, 28 days, 7 hours and 20 minutes since he walked away, and I’m still counting.

I get into my car and start the engine, something that I do everyday. My body has coped with the fast pace of my life, and it has become more of a machine, that responds to orders quicker than emotions. Start the engine. Get the car into gear. Go back home. Eat. Sleep. Back to the hospital. Simple routine.

I don’t want to feel the rush of emotions in my heart, because it gives way to vulnerability,always. Vulnerability is one of my top 10 fears of all time. It gives others the power to control some or the other aspect of your life. A mechanical life maybe difficult to get used to, but in the long run, it’s better than feeling pain.

Then why am I still counting ? I don’t know, probably because it’s just another custom I follow in my daily routine. Probably because maths is my passion. Probably because I’ve lost my mental balance. My brain keeps giving me all sorts of reasons, but my heart always gives me one reason – I haven’t let go. I refuse to believe it.

2 months 28 days, 7 hours and 25 minutes.

It’s raining outside. It fails to stirr any emotions within me, haven’t I mentioned that I’m a robot ? Well, I am, and accepting this fact doesn’t stirr any emotion either.

I don’t blame him, he had to go, but back then when I was human, I did feel angry at him, at my fate. I did feel shattered, I did feel deperate to cling onto him as long as possible, but over the time, all those feelings have evaporated, and have left behind a fully functional robot.

“God Neeta, you look like hell. You need a break dude” said one of her colleagues and friend, Rohan Khanna.

She smiled, “No Rohan, I’m fine. Besides, Hospital hours don’t allo-“

“Let go Neeta..” he cut her off, staring at her intently.

She stared at him for a long moment and then lowered her gaze, “I’ve moved on, Rohan..I have”

Rohan slightly shook his head, “Don’t expect me to believe that. For how long will you be in denial ? Face it Neeta, running away from this fact is not courage”

He paused for a long moment, and then said, “Please Neeta, free yourself from this misery”. He patted her arm, warmly nodded at her and walked away.

My best friend Rohan thinks I’m in denial. I don’t understand why. I’m absolutely ok, and it’s high time he accepted that. I don’t need a break, hospital is the only place that helps me retain my sanity.

2 months, 28 days, 7 hours and 51 minutes.

I’ve reached my house, it’s still raining. Darn, I forgot my umbrella at the hospital. I jump out of my car and quickly lock it. Not long after I start walking towards my house, I see him.

He’s completely drenched, from head to toe, but he’s standing at my doorstep, waiting for me to come back. I’m standing in my place, transfixed. All the nuerons in my brain seem to stop functioning at once. All the rational commands stop overpowering my heart, I’m standing here like a statue, unable to move an inch.

He turns to look at me, and even though it’s raining, I could make out that he’s been crying. Involuntarily, my feet start taking me towards him. I don’t know whether I want to slap him or hug him, whether I’m esctatic or angry. I had said I don’t want to feel the rush of emotions, but right now, a huge tide of emotions is sweeping through every part of my body, overwhelming me to an extent that the heavy downpour seems non-existent.

We’re standing close now. He’s saying something, I’m not listening. All I can see is his face, and slowly, the walls that I had built around me start crumbling. I don’t want them to, but it’s as if a strong force is destroying them and my brain is too numb to do anything. The last wall cracks, and tears form in my eyes.

I manage to hear his last line, “Neeta..I-I’m sorry..I’m-“

I cut him off, trying hard to fight my tears, I say, “Shekhar, Can we talk..please ?”

He looks at me and nods. All the pent up emotions can wait. Although all I want to do at that moment is bury myself in his arms and allow myself to succumb to my feelings, but all that can wait. There are questions, and there are answers, there are misunderstandings, and there are solutions, and they need to be cleared before we can make space for emotions between us. Before I give in again, I need to talk with the man standing before me, and I know he understands.

We’re finally aware of the rain, and walk towards my house. I finally allow myself to be happy to see him.

Deep down, I’m hoping that I’ll get my happy ending, and that he’s back forever, because I’ve finally stopped counting, and the robot in me just stopped functioning.

Crash & Burn

“I swear to god; I will kill myself!” she cried whilst holding a sharp knife to her wrist.

“Mom, please! Don’t behave like this! Sambhalo apne aap ko!” screamed Vikas frantically. He couldn’t believe how quickly things had spiralled out of his control. At the outset, he had been so sure that he would be able to handle this well. He had been so sure that he would be able to get through to his mother. Little did he know that he hardly knew his own mother and how inaccessible she had become, surrounded thickly by her own grief and sorrow.

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do! You have betrayed me all along! I trusted you so much, I thought you would listen to me!”

Hair unkempt, dupatta having slipped down onto the floor, tears streaming endlessly down her face, the frail and tiny woman shivered as she screamed each word. It did not seem as though her son had confessed that there was a girl he was in love with and wanted to marry, it seemed as though he had proposed to disown her. To her, perhaps, there was simply no difference between the two.

“Mom, please calm down! You’re really scaring me! At least try to understand what I’m saying. I’m your son!” Vikas screamed the last three words in a desperate attempt to make his mother understand.

She let the knife linger at her wrist a for a few more seconds before her knees gave in and she fell down on the floor, the knife slipping away from her hand with a loud clunk. She immediately started sobbing like a baby and held her head between her palms. Vikas slowly walked towards her and sat down next to her. He grasped her hand and said, “I’m sorry mom, I know I have hurt you. I know a lot of things have come as a shock to you. I lied and that is hurting you the most. But you must understand why I did it. I did it because I knew this is how you would take it. I cannot see you like this”

“T-t-hen wh-why dd-id you-u d-do it a-at all?” she asked in between sobs.

Vikas sighed, “I’m in love, mom. I don’t think that’s a crime. I do have the right to choose my life partner, don’t I?”

Although tears continued to stream down her face, she took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself down and said, “You’re doing your masters right now. Don’t you realize how much pain your parents have taken to be able to provide you with such excellent education? How much money we have invested in it, so that you can make a good life? How can you even think of marriage right now? All these things are a distraction!”

“Whose talking about marriage mom? All her family is suggesting is an engagement so that the commitment is final from both sides. We can get married whenever we want. I will focus on my career and so will she. This will validate the relationship, that’s all. Besides, I’m not a baby. I’m 25 years old. You do realize that we both have already committed to each other, don’t you?”

At this point, her temper rose and she said in a raised voice, “So is that my fault? Did you ask me before committing? Why should I bear the punishment and pain of something that I didn’t decide?!”

“That is not the point!” said Vikas in a slightly irritated voice, “I just told you that I have the right to choose my life partner. We fell in love. We didn’t decide to, it just happened. That does not mean that it will ruin my career or I will not be able to make a good life. We lived together when we were in US, mom. I think that speaks a lot for itself”

“You should be ashamed of yourself. How could you do that? How could you take such a step without thinking twice?” she asked as she suddenly got up, “Is that what I have taught you? Didn’t you think about the family’s respect? About us?”

“I know that it sounds wrong to you, but what I’m trying to say is that we were able to take that step because we are so sure about our future. There is no doubt in our minds that we will marry each other one day. It was not a casual deal; it was a mark of our commitment. Please try to understand that”

Once again, she shook her head and said in any icy tone, “No, I don’t want to know. This engagement is not possible. We didn’t send you abroad to do all this. How can you get engaged to someone without even getting a job? Without standing on your own legs? I cannot allow you to make a commitment like that without having a financial backbone!”

“What does my financial backbone have to do with this? I’m not being asked to financially support her or spend money on her in anyway. Honestly, she wouldn’t ask for that even when we’re married! The commitment is already there and has been there for the past one year! That’s what I’m trying to tell you! Her family got to know that we lived together in US, they know that both of us have to go back again, so if we went as an engaged couple it will simply make them feel reassured. Come to think of it, it should be reassuring to you as well! Would you want me to lie to you again?”

Vikas was feeling drained. Their conversation was simply going in circles. She was looking at what had happened in the past and what he proposed should happen in future as two disconnected events that were both crimes in her head. She simply wasn’t trying to understand that the natural progression of any relationship is to take a step forward, especially when the two involved are on the same page. He had hoped that she would at least understand, if not respect, his decision. But he had not even been able to get past the ‘acceptance’ stage.

Living together under one roof is an accepted norm overseas. In India, however, it’s a blasphemous idea, enough to make the immediate society shudder. So naturally when their parents found out, all hell broke loose. Her parents, however, came to the conclusion that if they had to be living together then might as well make the commitment official. “Let us feel safe and not unsure all the time”, was their argument.

Vikas had been apprehensive when that happened. He knew his mom would not take it well, but he also knew that he wanted to spend his life with that woman because she made him happy. She made him feel content. He had given her his word and he would keep it. It was the thought of her that gave him strength in difficult situations.

“My decision is final Vikas. If you want to be with that girl, you leave my house. I will never see your face again. You can do whatever you wish to with your life. I am already dead inside, so what’s the difference? How does it matter to you, whether I live or die?”

Tears started streaming down her face again as she continued to mumble to herself. Vikas realized that there was no point in trying to talk to her right now, he would have to try again later when she was saner and more mature. He took a deep breath and said, “We’ll talk about this later mom. Why don’t you have dinner and sleep?”

“I don’t want to eat anything. I won’t eat until you give up on this crazy idea!”

And with that, she got up and went inside her room, banging the door behind her.

Vikas sat there staring after his mom, trying to blink away some of the tears that were threatening to roll down his face. He was caught in a situation where he had no idea what to do. He wished his mother would stop reacting in such a childish way and using threats to manipulate him. He felt stuck and helpless. If he were honest to himself, deep down in his heart he knew what the permanent solution was. But he also knew that it would take a lot of courage to put it on the table. At that moment, his phone rang. He wiped a lone tear off his cheek and picked it up, “Hi Dad”

“Hi beta, is everything okay?”

Vikas let out a sigh, “No Dad. Nothing is okay. When are you back?”

“In about 10 minutes”

“Okay dad. I need to talk to you about something”

Vikas kept the phone down and tried to arrange his scattered thoughts. If he could convince his father, then he would be one step closer. It would be tough, but doing the right thing was never easy.

15 minutes later, when his father had arrived and had had his customary cup of coffee, Vikas sat across from him at the dining table and said, “Papa, we need to discuss Mom’s state of mind”

His father let out a defeated sigh and said, “Beta you know how she is. I have tried to channel her thoughts in the positive direction time and again, but she simply doesn’t want to. She is mentally very weak”

“Papa you can’t find a solution unless you identify the problem. The way she is right now is not something that has happened overnight. It’s the accumulated effect of all the years she has spent feeling wronged and cheated by everyone around her. She has started looking at herself like a victim in every situation Papa. Can’t you see what is happening here? It’s gotten to a point where she has started to threaten suicide!”

Vikas was trembling as he spoke. They had become so used to his mother whining and complaining all the time that they had accepted it as a part of who she was. “That’s just how she is”, was their usual refrain. They either tried to avoid triggering her or architected their behaviour to suit her wishes. They never really tried to tackle the root of the problem. This situation, however, was one too many for him to handle. It was neither avoidable nor designable. They would have to look at it for what it was and take a small step towards finding a permanent solution instead of band-aid ones.

“I know why you are suddenly saying all this. It’s because you don’t want to lose that girl”

Vikas shook his head lightly and said, “That’s a part of the reason, Papa. But mom’s behaviour has been raising red flags for a while and you know it. Do you think she has a problem with the engagement? No! she thinks that she will lose me in some way if that happens. She’s insecure and that’s why she’s lashing out. This is her fear talking, not her. She is trying to keep me clutched to her chest in whatever way possible. She will behave like a child, threaten suicide, will stop eating – anything to avoid facing that fear. And I can assure you that her passive-aggressive side will come out tomorrow in the form of depression and silent treatment”

His father processed what he said for a while and said, “So what are you suggesting?”

Vikas continued, “Look this situation seems to be the problem now, but it’s not. Today it’s the woman I love and tomorrow it will be my career choice, later my decision to buy a house or how to raise my kid. No matter what it is, she will react in the same manner. Except that it’s getting increasingly worse. She has no faith in either of us. She thinks if I don’t walk the path the way she wants me to, I won’t be successful in life. If you don’t comply with her wishes, her old age is doomed. She needs professional help. She needs someone who can make her face the fact that the real problem is inside her and so is the solution. She needs to stop expecting other people to fill the voids in her life”

“Are you suggesting that we put her in a mental hospital?” asked his father curtly.

“No, papa. And I’m not suggesting that she’s ‘mental’ either. All I’m saying is that her behaviour is alarming and scary, and we should get her some professional help. We can start with counselling sessions in either group or personal. Trust me, finding identification is a huge step in the healing process. Later, if it works, we can try suggesting something she can get involved in and commit her time and space to”

“You know she will never agree”

“I know, which is why we need to give her a dose of her own medicine and show her the mirror. We will suggest this idea to her and get it done the way she would get it done if it was her idea. Refuse to eat. Refuse to talk. Refuse to go to work. Keep complaining about everything. Tell her how dead you feel inside, how people in your life have used you. Be passive-aggressive. I will do the same. At some point, maybe a day, a week or a month later, she will realize what we are trying to put across. She will realize why we are suggesting this. She will accept it herself, Papa” said Vikas earnestly.

His father drummed his fingers lightly on the table and said, “Are you sure this will work?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that we need to do something drastic to get her to see what she is doing to herself and this family”

His father let out a sigh and said, “Okay then. Let’s do this. I am with you”

Vikas smiled and said, “Thanks Papa. We need to do this as a team”

His father smiled and nodded, “Yes we do. And what about this situation? Will you go ahead with the engagement?”

“Yes I will. If we want to find a permanent solution, we need to stop enabling her by giving in to her blackmail. There are healthy boundaries in every relationship, and its high time I defined them. If we do this together, I’m sure we can get through to her”

“Okay, beta. I trust you” his father said with a smile before patting his shoulder twice. Vikas smiled back and let out a sigh of relief. That’s one level down, he thought to himself. He picked up his phone and messaged her:

Baby, we will get engaged. I am happy this happened, because I could finally find the courage to do something I should have done long ago. I love you : )

 

 

 

She got up with a jerk and wildly looked around. She was in her bed, in her room, in her house. She quickly checked her phone for any messages. It reflected nothing but the time: 9:30. She opened her whatsapp contact list and scrolled down to V. She was still blocked by Vikas. It had been 7 days since they split because his mother threatened suicide and he couldn’t take a stand against her. She spent each day dreaming the same dream and waking up expecting the message she so badly wanted to read. But reality offered her nothing but the same disappointment every day.

She sank her head back into her pillow and let a tear roll down the side of her face. They were happy and content. If only he had done the right thing instead of the easy one. If only he had tried to fight the problem instead of giving into manipulation. If only he didn’t let her go so easily. If only.

All she had now, were her dreams that crashed and burned every single morning, taking a piece of her with them in the flames.

The curse of the 20’s

So you’re now in your 20’s. The teens are over, so according to your social learning, you should now turn into a responsible person overnight. “Bade ho gaye ho beta, zimmedari ko samjho” – becomes your daily music. Friends, parties and most importantly selfies begin to take a backseat, while your career starts crawling to the forefront. There are options to be explored, potential ROI of your chosen field to be discussed and very importantly, wedding planning to start.

Each year that passes by without you having achieved any of the subsets of the above, your forebodings and fears increase. What if I’m a failure? What if I never get anywhere in life? What if I’ll always be financially dependent on my parents? What if I never get married? What if I’m impotent? Unless you’re a rich dude from a rich family, these thoughts will plague your mind like the Ebola virus. Having entered the 20’s club myself a couple years ago, I deal with these thoughts every single day of my life. I try to imagine my life 5 years from now, and can’t seem to see anything but a couch and a pillow.

For a long time, I was under the impression that I was born to do something great, that I was different. But now that I’m letting the years pass me by, I’m beginning to wonder whether all I was suffering from was delusions of grandeur. I have ideas that I want to explore and pursue, places that I want to visit, different fields that I want to experiment with; but none of that ever materializes. It’s all just in my head. Like everyone else in my age group, I too am shackled by the ‘karna hi hai’ thought process.

What makes everything seem worse is when I see people around me doing well for themselves. FB feed has officially shoved me into depression. I see people getting new jobs or getting married every single day. It’s a harsh reminder of my own imperfection. I’m surfing reddit, twitter and instagram while people are out there doing something worthwhile.

We’re living in a century that has spoilt us for choices beyond imagination. Every single time you go out to do something, you have hundreds of options glaring at you from every direction. Which one to pick? Which one will offer maximum utility? The truth is, no matter what you choose, you will always feel buyer’s remorse. If you choose to do MBA, you may spend years thinking about how it would been if you chose MA. If you choose to become a driver, thoughts of becoming a waiter will torture you forever. And on and on it goes. In the end, despite having a plethora of choices at your feet, you choose to not take a step in any direction at all.

I want to be a writer, a dancer, a psychologist, a cook and a driver. But I don’t know which way to go first; which opportunity is worth giving up for something else. And it just seems as though I’m letting this confusion rule my life instead of working towards something. Can’t I get a mysterious signal from gravity so that I can find my way towards a high-functioning facility that will transport me to another planet via a worm hole or something?

The murky world of online dating

This is the phase where the highly romanticized version of romance sells best. We’re also the generation that wants instant gratification. So what is the one place that offers both? – Online dating. It cuts right to the chase by establishing the intention of the concerned parties very clear – “We’re here to meet someone and date/fall in love”. In the real world, reaching this stage takes one helluva time. You meet someone, you sort of like them, you sort of try to make small talk, and if that small talk is engaging enough you pluck up the courage to ask them out. Even then, the date might or might not work, rendering all your invested time and effort in case of the latter quite useless. However on an online dating site, you can simply choose not to reply or hit that block button if it gets annoying.

In short, online dating saves you a lot of time, trouble and even mild heartbreak. It’s also an avenue for people who are just looking to meet new people. But all said and done, how effective is it really, considering the fact that most of these sites are plagued with trolls and creeps? How much can you trust someone you’ve been talking to only virtually?

If I were to sign up for one of these websites today, I could very easily download a picture of a beautiful girl, make a fake profile with a fake description, and attract a lot of attention. My profile would be hoarded with requests and messages. Why? Because in a shallow world like online dating, the first approach always depends upon physical appearance. Anyone contacting you will first browse through your photos. Because for most online dating is just a pass time to indulge in some flirting, the overall personality doesn’t really matter. They log in, they flirt, have fun and then leave. In the real world, it’s so much tougher to have a plethora of choices offered to you on a platter to choose from. Which makes large scale flirting very difficult. An online dating website however is like a virtual store of prospective matches, offering you the luxury to flick through all of them in one go. So you could be sitting at home in your pyajamas, having pizza, stinking like a pig and still getting an ego boost out of browsing through your matches like they were on sale.

A very small percentage of people exist who actually want to meet someone. That could either be because they don’t get to meet interesting people in their immediate social circles, or because they’re introverts who have trouble mingling with people. These are the people who lie less and try to strike up a real conversation. But assuming that they do manage to find a suitable partner, how much of that is reality? Who we are virtually is very different from who we are in reality. Being online does two things – gives you the power to be whoever you want and reduces the risk of complete vulnerability (Although cases of cyber bullying are becoming a serious issue, but more on that later) Many times we don’t feel confident about who we are – we think we’re too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too lazy..so on and so forth. But online, we don’t have to reveal any of that. We can actually come across much cooler and attractive virtually, simply because it almost never gets to the point of revealing our true selves. But if it does, that’s probably when for most people, the bubble bursts. In short, there are hardly any people who would be willing to reveal their honest, true selves online (This applies to reality too, now. But the magnitude increases virtually)

Coming to what could easily be called the most dangerous aspect of internet dating – cyber bullying. The genesis of cyber bullying lies in one simple categorization. There are two types of people who use Internet Dating – 1) The emotionally vulnerable ones who are looking for a connection to fill a void in their lives and 2) The predators who are looking for cheap thrills. These predators come across as extremely charming at first, they know how to sweep you off your feet, how to make you feel special and loved, and how to make you fall for them within days. They ‘win’ your trust by expressing empathy. The victim, in such a case, doesn’t realize that he/she (Mostly she) is walking into a trap of emotional manipulation. For eg – It may start with the guy forcing the girl to tell him what she’s wearing, then sending him intimate picture and then having intimate conversations. The girl may not be comfortable with this at all, but she, being emotionally vulnerable, doesn’t want to lose the guy who is supposedly in love with her. It begins with threats and intimidation – “Do it or else you will not see me ever again!”, “You were a nobody, I gave you attention and this is what I get in return?” and “You’re not even that pretty, and I still gave you so much time and attention” so on and so forth. By the time the victim realizes the full consequences of what has happened, it is already too late. There have been numerous examples of people whose lives have literally been destroyed because of this. Amanda Todd, a girl who ultimately committed suicide because of all the hatred she was facing, had shared some of her intimate pictures with her boyfriend online. Jessica Logan also committed suicide for the same reasons. Ryan Halligan, Megan Meier, Tyler Clementi – all were victims of cyber bullying.

One might think that they are too strong for something like this to happen to them. They couldn’t be more wrong. This can happen to anyone, anywhere. It can happen to people who are bullies in real life, by people who are victims in real life. The virtual world is a place of masquerade, and no one is ever what they seem. Whilst not completely wrong, online dating requires a person to be sufficiently trained in emotional defense to identify and block the people who send off red flags. In the end though, before we get into any time of dating, we must love ourselves before falling in love with someone else. Another person being the reason for your survival is never healthy.

Almost in Love – Short story

I’m in the process of uploading some of the old stories that I had written long time back. I hope they aren’t rubbish.

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He gulped down another shot of vodka. It burned his insides as he felt the strong liquor going down into his stomach. He signalled the barman to re-fill his glass, his hand trembling and vision fading in and out of haze. The barman stared at him for a couple of moments, and then, he mustered up his courage and said, “Sir, I think you’ve had enough. You should go back ho-”

The man cut him off impatiently and said, “Just do as I say. I’m paying y-you right? So cut the crap..and refill my glass” He faultered as he spoke, words blurring into each other, making it difficult for the barman to make a distinction between two different words. But he heard that he had been asked to do his job without retaliating. He nodded softly and turned around to prepare his drink.

On the other hand, the man felt his brain blacking out. He suddenly felt weak, his vision now completely askew, he percieved everything to be two in number. He felt drained and tired, and closed his eyes, hoping that his head would stop spinning like a spinning top. He slowly laid his head on the bar table and closed his eyes once again. He saw her…
Not long before he had envisaged the woman he loved in his mind, he heard a voice.

“Wake up, Anupam !” That was certainly not the voice of the girl he was dreaming about. He heard the voice again, this time, even louder and clear, “For god’s sake Anupam, Wake up !”
He reluctantly opened his eyes, through his still blurry vision, he saw the outline of a girl standing next to him, trying to wake him up. Inspite of his distorted vision, he could recogise the familiar touch of the girl. It was Mitali. His best friend. It was always the same. He would get drunk on Saturdays and she would rescue him from the miserable and embarrassing state he always landed himself in. He felt her slap him lightly on the head. He groaned as he massaged his head gently, “What was that for ?”

“For screwing up my saturday night once again” she replied through clenched teeth. It was pretty much clear that she had grown sick and tired of his habit. He felt sorry for her too, but he had never asked her to rescue him in the first place. She was free to leave him on his own. He wouldn’t mind, but something always brought her to him…he always wondered what it was that made her worry about him.
“You passed out again, and here I am again, rescuing you from this shitpot…again” she finished with a sigh. Anupam was way to dizzy to even listen to her rant, leave alone comprehend it. He was weak and tired, and all he wanted was to lie down and sleep. He felt himself descend into oblivion once again. And all was black.

He woke up, rubbing the back of his head to ease the tormenting pain in his head. He resolved that he would never drink ever again in his life. He failed to consider his past record of such resolutions. It must have been his 100000000th resolution, and yet he ended up getting drunk in the same bar every saturday. He looked around. He was in his house, for sure. And he had no doubts that Mitali had brought him here. Who else ? She is the only one who gives a damn about my existence, he thought as he got and walked towards the bathroom.

Anupam had not been so sombre 1 year back. Infact, he had been the happiest man alive. He had everything – success, wife,a kid and everything else that constituted a perfect life. Until one fatal day, all of it met an untimely end. Radhika, his wife of 2 years, had been travelling to her parent’s place with their kid, Ashna. Their plane crashed on it’s way to Bhopal. No one survived.
It had taken precisely 6 months for Anupam to accept this truth. But looking at his post-acceptance state, one would agree to the fact that he was way better when he was in denial. Atleast he ate. Atleast he slept. Atleast he didn’t drink. Atleast he lived..even if in a false expectation. Anupam’s life had become miserable. His life had shattered and no one except one was their to pick the pieces up – Mitali. She had been his friend since they were only little children. Inspite of enrolling into different colleges after passing out, they mantained contact.

After that incident, Mitali supported him in every way possible. She was always there when he needed a shoulder to cry on. She stayed up till late in the nights just to listen to him crib and cry, and never complained. And now that he was indulging himself into alcohol, she was visibly concerned. She kept telling him that alcohol was only a temporary escape, and he needed to overcome his grief, not run away from it. He genuinely appreciated her concern and tried to move on, but failed each time.

But Mitali never stopped trying. Although she was sick and tired of his awful habit, she knew she would never give up on him. Because she loved him. It was a simple fact. And she realized it not long after Anupam finally accepted that his family had indeed, been torn apart. She felt her heart break each time he wept. She wished she could do something to ease his pain, infact, she was ready to take it on herself if it took away his suffering, but all of it was in vain.  She tried to tell him that she loved many times, but each time she tried, it seemed as of her mouth zipped itself tightly whenever he was infront of her. She was scared of losing the friendship they shared. But it was also a burden on her heart, she knew that if she didn’t tell him about her feelings anytime soon, her heart might literally explode.

After hours of introspection, she decided that she had to confront him and confess her feelings. She no longer could bear that burden on her heart. She might lose her frienship in the bargain, but she was willing to take that risk.

Anupam opened the door to his flat and entered, with two bags of grocery hooked on his fingers. He slowly walked inside and placed them in the kitchen. He turned around and saw Mitali standing right behind him. Her sudden presence caught him off guard and a surprised expression formed on his face, “Hey Mitali, What are you doing here ?” He asked her, moving away from her to retreive a bottle of water from the fridge. She shifted nervously in her place and said, “Anupam, I needed to talk to you..and I had spare keys to your flat, so I decided to pay you a visit..”

He smiled at her, “Ok…What’s wrong ?” He enquired, moving slightly closer to her. She glanced at him and saw the casual expression he was looking at her with. It only increased her nervousness, “Nothing’s wrong…” She began, at a loss for the right words, “I just…I think that I…Anupam I..” She was fidgiting with her fingers, trying to think of what to say. He stared at her confusedly, “Mitali..are you ok ?” He asked her with concern in his voice.
Mitali nodded slightly and took a deep breath,now or never, “Anupam, I’m in love with you”

She had said it. She had finally confessed her feelings to Anupam. Her heart was thumping so loudly in her chest, that she could catch it’s rythm. She was taking deep, heavy breaths, trying to calm her nerves. His expression was completely blank. She could not deduce any possible feeling from his face. His lack of reaction was beginning to make her feel that she had made the wrong move, and now she was going to lose his friendship forever. A feeling of disappointment arose within her, and instantly she felt tears sting her eyes.
After quite a few long and silent moments, his face broke into a wide smile. A genuine smile, that actually radiated happiness. She stared at him for a long moment, and then looked into his eyes, and for a fleeting moment she thought as if she saw ‘love’ in his eyes…for her.

Without responding, Anupam stepped forward and embraced her in a warm hug. This hug was different from the ‘friendly’ ones they often shared, this hug, unlike others, made her feel safe and content. She felt as if she was finally home.
And she knew, that Anupam may not have fallen completely in love with her, but he did feel a deep emotional connection with her that ran deeper than just friendship or a casual crush. He was still healing, and she didn’t want to force him into anything. So she decided that she would not give up on him this time either, and she would wait for him to come to her.

The ties between had not crumbled, infact they had strengthened, as now Mitali was in love with Anupam, and Anupam was almost in love with her.