Singapore it is..

lasalle_new_city_campus_interior

So after a lot of deliberation and sleepless nights, I have finally decided – Singapore is going to be the country where I will go for my BA (Hons) in Dance. LASALLE was one of my dream universities a few years ago. I remember citing it as the place I would like to study further in after finishing a pre-professional course in a school in Denmark, but I never got the visa for Denmark and a lot of my plans went haywire. Anyhow, I applied this year again and luckily, with a good portfolio and an interview given on a sleepless night + 5 cups of coffee – I got in.

I loved Singapore when I visited it last time. It’s a melting pot of so many different cultures and people from a range of backgrounds. Everyone gets absorbed into it’s fast-growing economy and rapidly progressing culture. I had no trouble fitting in (except for the one time that I took the wrong metro route and got insanely lost – I had to walk mad distance) and people were welcoming and happy. It’s a beautiful place, with places like Clarke Quay, Marina Bay, Botanical Gardens, Singapore Zoo and my absolute favorite – Universal Studios! *heart eyes* I swear I can never get enough of that place. Who knew a day wasn’t going to be enough to explore the humongous place. I could live with those minions forever. Thankfully enough, Singapore has an entire neighborhood for Indians called “Little India”, that has shops that play tamil/telugu/malyalam music on the regular and has plenty of reasonably priced Indian restaurants. So if I ever feel homesick, I can always go there and lovingly look at desis bargaining for $1. Sigh.

More than it’s touristy attractions though, I’m really excited about this new chapter in my life. It’s going to be a tough 3 years (starting this july)- dance training is never a breeze through. I’m basically married to dance for the next 3 years. I will live and breathe for it. It really makes me reminisce about all the years that I relentlessly put into my training. But I’m still nowhere close to where I want to be, so I have to keep pushing ahead with an even stronger conviction. Its not just a journey toward becoming a professional dancer or choreographer, it’s journey of self-discovery. There are plenty dancers in the world – much more talented than me. Then what exactly makes me stand out?

What makes me stand out is me. There may be a lot of dancers in the world but there is only one me and that’s what needs to come out through my art as well. I have to be true to who I really am and put that into my movement. That movement will be mine, and mine only. If it deserves applause, it might get that too. But regardless of that, I’ll still have contributed to my field in a different way and that’s what matters. I feel very strongly about dancers who are constantly striving hard to “fit in”. Art is a very subjective field, if we wanted to be forced into templates we would have chosen MBA. So why conform to what everyone thinks a dancer should be like? I tried to fit in for a very long time too. But thankfully, I realized that will never work out for me. I will end up a failure no matter how many times I try. I’m weird and will always be. So now I have decided to be a weird dancer #SuccessAdvice

I have a lot of ideas that I want to work on in the long run, and hopefully these 3 years will take me a step closer to that. Vibgyor is my dream child and I want it to go places – there is so much I want to do under the banner. It’s scary and overwhelming at the same time. I try not to think about the flip side too much, that it’ll all come crashing down and I won’t even be able to achieve 1% of what I want to. This is a choice I have made for myself and I won’t have anyone to put the blame on. I will own both the success and the failure.

I don’t care much about monetary success or fame. I never have. I, for one, am very clear about my priorities in life and one would have to dig right down to the core of the earth to find out if it’s even on my list. People who run after monetary success are the unhappiest people in the world, because their net achievement is zero. Trust me folks, there will always be someone who has better bank balance, a better house or better curtains. That shit never ends. But I do care about one thing – putting my ideas out in the world. I chose to channel them through dance, and all I want is to be able to do that well in my life. That’s success for me. A wise man once said “Promote your idea, not your name. It will follow” (Just kidding, it’s my original line)

I’m excited and terrified at the same time. I don’t know if I’m going to do well or absolutely suck. But I do know one thing – I’m not giving up anytime soon.

#Relentless.

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Counting those days – One shot | Fiction

I’ve written so much fiction and posted it across so many portals over the years; I don’t even remember all my stories. Which is a shame because it seems like I had much more clarity of thought back then. I wrote this about 6 years ago ­čś« (I know, I’m equally shocked) when I had the emotional range of a teaspoon and had major rose colored glasses on. I should really hunt down all my stories and upload them here. For a perspective check, if nothing else. Look at me, trying to be all mature at the age of 17 about things like love. Pfft. (I’m no better now btw)
Anyway, here it goes.
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2 months, 28 days, 7 hours and 20 minutes since he walked away, and I’m still counting.

I get into my car and start the engine, something that I do everyday. My body has coped with the fast pace of my life, and it has become more of a machine, that responds to orders quicker than emotions. Start the engine. Get the car into gear. Go back home. Eat. Sleep. Back to the hospital. Simple routine.

I don’t want to feel the rush of emotions in my heart, because it gives way to vulnerability,always. Vulnerability is one of┬ámy top 10 fears of all time. It gives others the power to control some or the other aspect of your life. A mechanical life maybe difficult to get used to, but in the long run, it’s better than feeling pain.

Then why am I still counting ? I don’t know, probably because it’s just another custom I follow in my daily routine. Probably because maths is my passion. Probably because I’ve lost my mental balance. My brain keeps giving me all sorts of reasons, but my heart always gives me one reason – I haven’t let go. I refuse to believe it.

2 months 28 days, 7 hours and 25 minutes.

It’s raining outside. It fails to stirr any emotions within me, haven’t I mentioned that I’m a robot ? Well, I am, and accepting this fact doesn’t stirr any emotion either.

I don’t blame him, he had to go, but back then when I was human, I did feel angry at him, at my fate. I did feel shattered, I did feel deperate to cling onto him as long as possible, but over the time, all those feelings have evaporated, and have left behind a fully functional robot.

“God Neeta, you look like hell. You need a break dude” said one of her colleagues and friend, Rohan Khanna.

She smiled, “No Rohan, I’m fine. Besides, Hospital hours don’t allo-“

“Let go Neeta..” he cut her off, staring at her intently.

She stared at him for a long moment and then lowered her gaze, “I’ve moved on, Rohan..I have”

Rohan slightly shook his head, “Don’t expect me to believe that. For how long will you be in denial ? Face it Neeta, running away from this fact┬áis not courage”

He paused for a long moment, and then said, “Please Neeta, free yourself from this misery”. He patted her arm, warmly nodded at her and walked away.

My best friend Rohan thinks I’m in denial. I don’t understand why. I’m absolutely ok, and it’s high time he accepted that. I don’t need a break, hospital is the only place that helps me retain my sanity.

2 months, 28 days, 7 hours and 51 minutes.

I’ve reached my house, it’s still raining. Darn, I forgot my umbrella at the hospital. I jump out of my car and quickly lock it. Not long after I start walking towards my house, I see him.

He’s completely drenched, from head to toe, but he’s standing at my doorstep, waiting for me to come back. I’m standing in my place, transfixed. All the nuerons in my brain┬áseem to stop functioning at once. All the rational commands stop overpowering my heart, I’m standing here like a statue, unable to move an inch.

He turns to look at me, and even though it’s raining, I could make out that he’s been crying. Involuntarily, my feet start taking me towards him. I don’t know whether I want to slap him or hug him, whether I’m esctatic or angry. I had said I don’t want to feel┬áthe rush of emotions, but right now, a huge tide of emotions is sweeping through every part of my body, overwhelming me to an extent that the heavy downpour seems non-existent.

We’re standing close now. He’s saying something, I’m not listening. All I can see is his face, and slowly, the walls that I had built around me start crumbling. I don’t want them to, but it’s as if a strong force is destroying them and my brain is too numb to do anything. The last wall cracks, and tears form in my eyes.

I manage to hear his last line, “Neeta..I-I’m sorry..I’m-“

I cut him off, trying hard to fight my tears, I say, “Shekhar, Can we talk..please ?”

He looks at me and nods. All the pent up emotions can wait. Although all I want to do at that moment is bury myself in his arms and allow myself to succumb to my feelings, but all that can wait. There are questions, and there are answers, there are misunderstandings, and there are solutions, and they need to be cleared before we can make space for emotions between us. Before I give in again, I need to talk with the man standing before me, and I know he understands.

We’re finally aware of the rain, and walk towards my house. I finally allow myself to be happy to see him.

Deep down, I’m hoping that I’ll get my happy ending, and that he’s back forever, because I’ve finally stopped counting, and the robot in me just stopped functioning.

Are all lawyers assholes?!

Why? Seriously, why? Why do all of them believe they own the ground they walk upon and every person who even breathes in their presence is obligated to pay them money? I am yet to come across a lawyer who actually treats his/her clients as people and not ATM machines. When you walk into District court, Saket, the courtyard is brimming with lawyers literally jumping at you like taxi wallas at the purani dilli railway station.

“Madam, affidavit banwana hai?”

“Madam, koi case handle karwana hai?”

“Koi deed banwani hai?”

“Koi agreement karwana hai? Settlement karana hai?”

It seriously feels like you just stepped out at some local station in UP and the most uncouth and boorish taxi/rickshaw/auto wallas are ready to attack you. It’s saddening to see the way these “educated” lawyers put their integrity and self-esteem on a hanger and make a mockery of it in full public view. They’re ready to surrender themselves to you more and more with each 500 note that you pull out in their favor. Rs. 500 = Bas ek stamp milega. Rs 1000 = Court mein appearance kar denge. Rs. 2000 = Appearance + Petition. Rs. 3000 = 2 appearances + petition. Rs 1,00,000 = Private lap dance. Rs 2,00,000 = Private lap dance by their entire family.

A profession that finds it’s roots in words like integrity, justice, right vs wrong, morals and ethics, courage and fighting spirit, has become worse than the business of prostitution. All lawyers are puppets in the hands of money. All they want and care about is money. The more you pay, the better and faster justice you’ll get. It’s like the difference between business class and economy. So in case you’re an economy client who just got molested on the road, you will have to wait for years before you get your so-called “justice” (which is probably only going to be a settlement forced down your throat by the judge who only wants to decrease the load of the cases) and if you’re a business class client then justice will be handed to you pretty soon. And if you’re a first class client then not only will you get justice on a silver platter but also an autographed champagne bottle by the lawyer.

Paisa phek tamasha dekh was probably made for lawyers. They walk into your office as though they are doing you a massive favor by gracing your office with their golden presence. They sit in front of you and start giving advice even though they have no effing clue about what your case is or even glancing at the file. Pfft. Why would they do that? They’re too smart and “experienced” to do something as trivial as getting to know about the actual case. A few IPC sections here, a few citations of latest amendments there – their job is done. They just summarized your entire case without asking you a single question or reading the file. Now isn’t that genius? Next thing you know you have been sent a long invoice of their “services”. You must pay them for throwing around a couple of IPC sections, which you probably could have read yourself with half an hours worth of research.

Now isn’t that an honorable profession? I so will become a lawyer one day.

I actually remember a hilarious experience where I went to a lawyer’s chamber once to get a couple of notices drafted. He drafted the notice in front of me and my god, what a brilliant example of legal practice that notice was. What english! what attention to detail! And that man has a LLB degree and runs a firm. Ultimately, I had to draft the notices and all he did was stamp and sign them. And guess what? He still charged me. They have some nerve to be such unabashed bastards. Basically if they invest even one second in your case, you owe them money. Even if they don’t do jackshit, even if they’re the ones who screw up, even if they gave you wrong advice – you still owe them money. Why? Because they gave you time. And their time is more important than the Prime Minister’s time himself because you know, they have so many bad people to prosecute, justice to serve to the grieved and so many other noble things (=mint more money by raking in as many settlements as possible)

Lawyers are smartasses. They know the Indian judicial system is slower than MTNL broadband on it’s worst day. So the best way to make loads and loads of money is to make sure that each case stretches out as much as possible. That way they can spin money on each date. Our system is notorious for hanging every case for a minimum of 2 years. Sometimes justice is served to the grand grand children of the complainant/plaintiff. I honestly do not remember the last time justice was truly, truly served in our country. So like I was saying, lawyers take full advantage of this gaping blackhole in our system. They dish out all sorts of crap to convince you why it would be best to let the case hang. And mind you, they’re pretty damn convincing. Lawyers are multi talented people. They do business like sex workers and possess mad marketing skills like a top class salesman and pretend to be compassionate like SRK in Swades.

Which brings me to the next point = their ego. So even though our system is churning out lawyers faster than mosquitoes breeding in the summer and even though most of them are useless and don’t have brains to fill a teaspoon, their egos are bigger than the Tatas and Ambanis. They think that a black coat gives puts them at a pedestal higher than the normal civilian. If you hire a lawyer, you better listen to his advice and you better make time for him when he has time, and you dare not ask him too many questions and you dare not contradict him or tell him that he’s not working hard. How dare you tell a lawyer what to do? Who the hell are you? Just another ATM? He will probably go find another one. There are plenty he hasn’t exploited yet. If you do any of the above, he will walk out and leave all your cases hanging midway without any further advice and that’s not it, he will even raise you a bill and demand money for “services rendered”!

Oh I forgot to add one point in there: If you ask them to invest more time than what has been agreed upon in the agreement, then it’s going to be chargeable. Even if it’s just a minute above. They will make sure they mention that extra minute in their bill. Incase you refuse to pay, then “you are an exploitative client who doesn’t pay lawyers for their insane amount of hard work, blood and sweat that they put into your cases. You monster!”

Lastly, lawyers are always on sale. So even if you have a lawyer who is involved in one of your cases, and the other side happens to offer more money he/she will happily waltz into their arms and perform a screw-you duet in front of your face.

The reason I’m ranting so much is because I’ve had it with lawyers and their SOB-ish behavior. I’m done with them hanging out their tongues at the sound of money and salivating like dogs. I’m done with them having no integrity or respect either for themselves or their clients. I’m done with lawyers not wanting to put in any work in a case and just breeze through it like it means nothing. Heck, I’ve become half a lawyer thanks to my varied experiences over the years. I’ve not met one lawyer that I can actually look upto and respect. They’re all greedy, selfish, money-minded businessmen who don’t give a rats ass about the client’s problem. I’m sick of being ripped off and still being treated like horseshit.

Lawyers, I suggest you to the market and buy clothes from a store called “Balls&Respect”.

Who says prostitution is illegal in India?

Aye Sinamika – New choreography (Updated link)

When I first heard this song, I didn’t like it much. Then I heard it again, and it seemed better. Before I knew, I was deeply in love and couldn’t let this song go. I’ve been obsessing over it for 6 months. I had planned to choreograph this at one point, but hoped it wasn’t one of my fleeting obsessions. The choreography didn’t actually start with this song; it started with a different song and ended up with this one because my instinct kept telling me to use it. Anyway, enough rambling…I think the video is decent. Critique and feedback is always welcome.

Aye Sinamika (Choreography) from Aparajita Burjwal on Vimeo.

Roller Coaster Ride

I was greeted by the familiar heat wave as I landed in Delhi. It was snowing in Amsterdam when I left. 11 hours later, I was waiting to get back home and turn the fan on full blast. Such is my life. I have become so used to travelling in the past 8 months or so – that being in one place for more than a while starts getting to me. From Isreal to Bangalore to Italy to Amsterdam to Delhi to Brussels to Berlin to Amsterdam (again) and now back to Delhi. I will be leaving soon again in a couple of months. One would say that living a life of a nomad (in a manner of speaking) can be exhausting physically and emotionally. It surely is, but it’s also the only way I feel like I can move ahead in life. Heal. Feel. Be happy.

This trip was such a roller coaster ride. I landed in Brussels one day before my audition, 10 days after my surgery and one day after my DJ stent was removed (not fun, seriously), totally unprepared for the intensive and tiring process of an audition. Needless to say, I was really really bad. They didn’t select me and obviously, I was very very dejected. I left Brussels with a broken heart and damaged self-esteem, but a stronger sense of conviction to crack the next one. I landed in Berlin and hustled as hard as I could. I attended classes and worked on myself before and after. I couldn’t afford to lose another opportunity for two reasons – 1) I loved the school (Tanzfabrik, for dance lovers) and 2) I didn’t think my ego would be able to take another blow. In the meanwhile, I fell in love with Berlin. The city has class. It has a persistent neo-noir feel to it, combined with it’s traditional architecture and active art scene. I loved walking in the city. Every road, every wall, every U-Bahn station had something different to offer visually. I could imagine myself living there.

(Special mention – Berlin Hauptbahnhof is effing awesome)

BeH

I walked into my audition feeling and looking confident. I knew I had this. I gave it my best shot, and walked out feeling a little bit content with what I had done. I got selected and patted myself on the back for having recovered from an initial loss. But I had no time to celebrate as my tiring journey was not about to end anytime soon. I started packing for Amsterdam immediately after.

By the way, I always make this mistake of not carrying anything to eat during train/bus rides in Europe, which basically means 6+ hours of no food and water unless you decide to get up and cross all the compartments to find the pantry car. But I think I’ve made stupider mistakes in Europe so I’ll let that one pass. Either way, the moment I stepped foot in Amsterdam all my exhaustion basically vanished because I.am.in.love.with.the.city! Everyone talks about having a soulmate. Well, I have a soulcity: Amsterdam. There is something about this place that just makes me happy. I don’t really know what it is. Maybe it is the sight of the river, or the perennially happy people, or the infinite bicycles, or the beautifully lit cafes and restaurants, or the amazing (!!) architecture, or the canal rides, or the way it looks like at night, or just the liveliness of the place, or the way it makes me feel. Maybe it’s all of them. I don’t really know; all I know is that I could live here for an eternity and beyond.

Ams

Unfortunately though, just like everywhere else, I didn’t really get a chance to do any touristy things. I dove head on into classes and choreography. My days were all about dancing, cleaning the house, finding food and drinking too much white wine. True story, I had way too much white wine in Amsterdam. Not my fault its cheap and great. One fine day though, I managed to lock myself out of my apartment at night and had to call an emergency locksmith to open it for me. Had to spend a fortune on it and the guilt still eats at me. I hate the lock system in Europe. Other than this small (but financially big) hiccup, Amsterdam was as awesome as ever. Tiring, but still awesome.

I did manage to do one of the things I had fallen in love with last time – take a ferry ride. I shed tears throughout (Nostalgia does that)

In the meanwhile, I also got selected at Lasalle College of Arts, Singapore – something I had wanted for a while. But couldn’t make it at Amsterdam school of arts – which depressed me so much that I spent a whole day sulking and yes, drinking wine. I really, really wanted it. I would have chosen it without a second thought. But the competition in the dance world is cutthroat and maybe I wasn’t good enough. Nevertheless, the university is amazing and I hope I get a chance to study there at some point. It’s about prestige now.

Life is Europe is always a blur for me. Days fuse into nights fuse into days. It all feels like a matter of a couple of seconds. There is not enough time to stop and think. The garbage needs to be put out, the clothes need to be washed, breakfast needs to be cooked, dishes need to be done, house needs to be cleaned, money needs to be spent judiciously, transport needs to be figured out, adequate groceries need to be bought – other than working on your main objective, of course. I get tired and I love that. In Delhi, I can afford to take so much for granted but not in a foreign land – that keeps me on my toes constantly and I love being in that state. It’s always an experience I learn alot from. I never come back empty handed.

I am still in the hustle mode from Europe and I want to continue to be in it for as long as I’m here. If I stop and pause, I’ll crumble, and I can’t afford that.

Revisiting Saathiya

The phase from 2000-2005 was arguably one of the best phases Bollywood has seen; it’s just not given enough credit. The industry churned out some pretty amazing films before the mindless south-indian remakes and Rohit Shetty took over. Films like Hera Pheri, Mission Kashmir, Dil Chahta Hai, Lagaan, Kal Ho Na Ho, Munna Bhai MBBS, Swades, Yuva, Hum Tum – and many many more amazing films were made during these years. I think the above films pretty much sum up my favorite films of all time (minus the terrific 90s of course)

I will probably re-watch them all and dedicate one blog post to each film. This one is about Saathiya – one of a very, very, very few bollywood romantic films that I have loved. Bollywood has always been about formulaic stories when it comes to the romance genre with little variations and tweaks here and there. Up until now, which I consider to be bollywood’s transitional phase, we have hardly been served any truly moving romantic film. Saathiya, however, is a major exception to that norm and stands out in the past decade and a half as a game changer in it’s genre. Perhaps not to the same degree as DDLJ, but a strong voice nonetheless. Mani Ratnam, who is undoubtedly a genius when it comes to the romance genre, is not surprisingly the architect of the screenplay (the original Alaiyapayuthe was directed by him as well) and owing to his solid writing and the presence of a strong reference point, Shaad Ali pulled off a brilliant product.

Films that explore the dynamic of marriage fascinate me. It’s not an easy feat. I assume that’s the reason why bollywood has always chosen to drop the curtains when the hero and heroine are galloping away into the sunset. No one wants to talk about what happens after the grand finale; when the cheers die down and the celebration ends – that’s when the actual journey begins. Saathiya does exactly that. The romance is cute. The chase is fun. The chemistry is great. The passion is scorching. All of that adds up to rosy dreams about a gorgeous future filled with nothing but happiness and togetherness…but when those dreams start to become reality, the couple realize that it isn’t as rosy after all.

The beginning of every romance is exciting, it gives you a high like no other and makes you feel like you could conquer any problem. But the excitement can only get you so far. Real life isn’t exciting all the time. You can’t be romantic and passionate when there are bills to be paid and food to be cooked. Marriage is in the mundane things of life. It’s loving someone even when you don’t like them. It’s about seeing the same face for years and years and still finding some magic. It’s about fighting over issues like laundry and wall color and grocery lists. It’s about supporting each other through thick and thin because not supporting is simply not an option…and it’s not always a pleasant journey. It’s not always as appealing as popular culture would have you believe.

Saathiya is about a young couple who fall madly in love with each other and elope away after their families don’t accept their marriage. They make a vow to never turn back as they enter this exciting new phase of their lives. Afterall, what could be worse than being kicked out of your respective homes? The worst is already over, right? Apparently not. After the first few blissful months of matrimony, when the chase is over and there are other problems waiting to be addressed, cracks begin to appear in their relationship. The guy isn’t the romantic goofball the girl had fallen for. The girl isn’t just a challenge anymore. They aren’t always there for each other.

One of the important scenes in the film that highlights how much of a thin ice their marriage is on is when Suhani has had a bad day at work and hugs Aditya in the balcony of their house, not caring about all the eyes. But apparently Aditya does, and squirms as she clutches onto him. She realizes how emotionally distant they are from each other and that he cannot even understand her state of mind, leave alone being supportive. That is also the moment Aditya realizes – shit, I didn’t know I would have to be emotionally available as well.┬á

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Everything starts to spiral into a downward abyss after that. They can’t seem to put their marriage above their personal interests. A love that had survived the resistance of society begins to crumble under it’s own pressure. They reach the breaking point when Suhani’s father dies unexpectedly and their marriage is not able to take the strain of that setback. Suhani blames herself for his demise and Aditya feels resentful about his perennially sad wife who can’t seem to put her mind anywhere else. These are the times when a solid partnership, mutual understanding and maturity are the need of the day. One person needs to take a step back and allow the other person to take as much space as he/she wants, because he/she is the one going through a hard phase. Unfortunately, Aditya doesn’t put Suhani’s needs above his own and they reach a point where they can no longer stand each other.

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The film captures the failing marriage brilliantly. Their immaturity was one of the major reasons why their relationship was always on uneven grounds and that fact is highlighted many times. They were too young to be able to have a successful marriage. Like I said, love and passion can only get you so far. After that, it’s being selfless and truly wanting someone else’s happiness more than your own that matters.

Despite their immaturity though, they still try to hang onto small threads. Aditya’s attempt to reconcile Suhani’s sister and ex-fiance is endearing; more so because he knows it would mean something to Suhani. It is this event that both becomes a boon and a curse for them. It makes Suhani realize that Aditya isn’t a completely unsupportive husband afterall; but it also leads to her getting into a fatal accident, that puts her at the verge of losing her life.

The film is beautifully interspersed between the present and the past and slowly merges into one. The one thing we know about the present is that Aditya is looking around madly for Suhani. What we get to know from the flashbacks is that he is looking around madly for her despite all the problems in their marriage. Her absence makes him realize her worth and importance in his life; and how much he took her for granted. It is only when he is at the point of completely losing her that he tries to hold onto their relationship with his life. As he says at Suhani’s bedside – “Sach toh yeh hai ki, aaj samjha hoon main humara rishta. Ab tak to bas khud hi ko dhoond raha tha” – being with Suhani was also one of his attempts to find himself. It wasn’t selfless love until she was about to be snatched away. It always takes a life changing event to make us realize the most obvious things.

Another wonderful arc is the highlighted relationship between Yashwant Rao and his wife, Savitri (brilliant cameo appearances by SRK and Tabu). The way Yashwant supports his traumatized wife and acts as a strong anchor even in the most tense of times is heavily contrasted against Aditya’s casual approach to his own marriage, thereby also establishing the difference between the commitment of a man and the passion of a boy. He is there for his wife to fall back on when she is crumbling down in a way that Aditya never was.

In the end, a dialogue from Alaiyapayuthe sums up marriage perfectly – “A young tree might look beautiful with it’s lush green leaves and blooming flowers; but can’t sustain a storm because it’s roots aren’t thickly embedded into the ground..an old tree might look ugly and rusted, but it can sustain hurricanes because it’s roots are so firmly sewn within the earth. That’s what a strong marriage is”

Random ramblings

Here I am, sitting in one of the expensive-for-no-reason DB trains, travelling from Berlin to Amsterdam and tapping my fingers on the keypad thinking about what to write. I am normally very bad at coming up with good topics to write about. My thoughts are too scattered and open-ended to come up with a concrete idea. My mind jumps from one topic to the other in a matter of seconds, and all the content that I thought of for the previous topic(s) is immediately lost. So I think it’s better for me to write a running commentary.

Trains journeys are the best metaphor for life. Just like a train ride, life meanders through different terrains and stops in one place for some time. People come and go in your life throughout it’s course, people come and go throughout the course of a train ride too. None of them are permanent, even if you manage to develop a strong bond with them. Everyone leaves at some point or the other. You are only left with your own company.

I often think about what “being content” means. Sometimes I think it’s about chasing your dream to the best of your ability, other times I think it’s about finding that one person who makes you feel like you’re home. But then there are moments of clarity when I realize that maybe it’s about feeling happy when you are with yourself. None of us really love ourselves. We are constantly looking for something, someone to fulfill a void we can’t fill ourselves. It’s not an easy feat. Heck, definitely not for a royally messed up person like me. God knows I have issues that will take several lifetimes for me to fix before I can love myself. I am a loner because that’s my comfort zone; not because I love my own company. If I had to spend an entire evening with my own clone, I would dash for the first exit. True story, I would not date my male counterpart. The two of us would rip eachother’s hair off.

It’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that there is no one who is meant to be by your side forever, especially not in a world that tries to sell us the concept of ‘eternal love’ all the time. Movies like The Notebook make you believe that you will die in your soulmate’s arms in the hospital bed. Who doesn’t want to believe that? It’s the most comforting idea in the world. I want to believe that too. I want to be able to close my eyes and not feel scared. We want another human being for that comfort and security because going through life and all it’s problems all alone is too much to imagine. We just might be capable of it; but the idea still scares the crap out of us.

Does that mean we should all declare celibacy and head to the mountains to meditate? Hell no. I cannot abandon a lot of small comforts for anything. I think maybe what I’m trying to say is that we need to stop trying to find ‘contentment’, because we are just too mortal to find nirvana (unless you’re snort coke) We will always be in a state of unrest. We will always be looking for something, despite not knowing what is truly is. Perhaps learning from the journey is more important than dwelling over the destination, because you don’t know if you will ever get there…or if it will be what you wanted if you do get there.

If you have something that makes you feel happy right now and makes you smile before drifting off to sleep, fight for it. It can be anything – a dream, a person, a job, an idea, a friend, a new recipe or a tv show. Don’t give up before giving it your heart and soul, because you never know when it’s going to slip through your hands. Trading present happiness for an expected future gain is the worst bargain in life. (Not to be confused with ‘not stepping out of your comfort zone’. There is a difference between being comfortable & lazy and truly happy)

Anyone who knows me knows I hustle hard. I never think I’ve done a good enough job. Whether it is doing the dishes or putting up a choreography – I will always be dissatisfied (not satisfied with this post either) But this constant relay makes me happy. It makes me feel like there is one thing I can truly call my own.

And I will fight for it until the day I die.

 

Back to Europe

Three months have lapsed since I was here. I had thought that when I would be back it would feel like an eternity. It should feel like an eternity. I’ve been through so much in these 3 months. My life has been turned upside down. I’ve had a surgery, been beaten up (over a parking issue!) and been through an emotional roller coaster ride. I released my first ever group choreography and shed tears when it was received brilliantly. But it feels like it was just yesterday that I was walking across the streets of Europe to find an open restaurant at 10 pm at night, trying to find the best possible route to class, cleaning the house and washroom myself, trying not to get lost (!), trying to find people who speak english (for the love of god!) and – trying not to look like an idiot.

That, honestly, is the biggest struggle. As an Indian you are brought up to believe that ┬áthe white race is superior. Every time that a white woman/man was spotted on the streets of a small town, the crowds would ogle them shamelessly as though they were aliens. I was a part of that crowd. I saw the┬áfirangs as people who belonged to a completely different world. When I was a kid and lived in a small town called Kashipur (a little away from Ramnagar), an american couple were brought home by my cousin uncle (we were a family of show-offs. Apparently he promised he would tell them everything they needed to know. He knew zilch, btw) and my god it was like Radha-Krishna had entered our home. Every single resource was devoted to making them comfortable. My entire family turned into Indian historians. I, too, was quite overwhelmed. I stood there like a darbaan waiting to salute them when they left. And that’s what I did.

Anyway, the point is that that experience is still very vivid in my mind. Out of all the extraordinary experiences I may have had as a child, this is one of the very few that is still as clear as it gets. The only reason being that we were noticed by foreigners. Wow, isn’t that a big thing.

That is the reason why the possibility of making a fool out of myself infront of these posh, highly sophisticated breed of homo sapiens causes me extreme anxiety. Having a cup of coffee in a cafe can sap me of all my energy. What if I pronounce ‘cappuccino’ wrong? What if I enter the cafe and then they tell me that it is already closed? Won’t I look like such a fool then? What if the owner/waiter doesn’t know english? What if I don’t like what I order? Would it be okay if I left it untouched? Would they think I’m insulting them by not liking their food? – are just some of the thoughts that go through my head when I undertake the simple task of ordering a cup of coffee. There is a plethora of other things of course – accidentally walking on the cyclists lane, not knowing whether or not it’s okay to cross the road even when there is no zebra crossing, not knowing where to buy the train/tram/bus ticket, not knowing how to buy the train/tram/bus ticket, not knowing whether to place an order in a restaurant at the counter or at the table, not knowing whether to settle the bill at the counter or at the table, whether to say “take away” or “to go” when getting food packed, not knowing if it would be okay to pee after 10:30 at night or the neighbor might call the police for making noise etc.

Yes, living in Europe is a struggle for Indians. Especially a lazy and lost Indian like me. Makes me realize how many things we take for granted in our country. Today, I went to a mobile store to buy a local pre-paid sim. I had to wait an hour before that guy could attend to me because he was attending to another customer. Had it been India I would have made an angry remark and got the job done in 10 minutes.

Despite my struggles though, I feel like I manage myself reasonably okay when I’m here. I wash my clothes on time and manage to put some food in my stomach. Sure, sometimes I have to eat utter garbage in the name of “vegetarian food”, but that’s when I thank the lord that I know how to cook and for Indian restaurants. I manage to figure out the public transport system and the lanes/streets (One thing I can never figure out is the lock system here. True story – I always forget which way to turn the key to open the door) Most importantly though – it keeps me on my toes all the time. I’m in zero chill mode in Europe.

I like being in the hustle mode. It gives me a sense of purpose and direction. It helps me overcome a lot of challenges. It isn’t always a party though; being alone all the time can get to anyone – but that’s why I hustle harder, so that it doesn’t overwhelm me. More than anything else – I get to focus on and explore dance to the fullest, which is what I live for.

This trip has been a rush so far. I went to Brussells for two days and now I’m in Berlin for a couple of days, followed by a yet undecided destination for a few days and finally to Amsterdam. No enjoyment anywhere though – just auditions, auditions, auditions!

 

Scenes that stay: Love Aaj Kal (Climax)

There are times you watch a film and one particular scene sticks with you for a very long time. It may be because it stumped you visually, had a catchy dialogue or moved you emotionally. With me, it’s mostly when a scene has emotional impact that it stays with me for years to come.

I am a movie buff. I love bollywood and I love watching films at any given point of time. I grew up on the cheesy 90’s flicks and unabashedly admit to watching films like Badshah, Yes boss, Biwi No.1 and even Ghar ho to aisa every single time they air on TV. I try not to miss a good release (and that excludes horrors like Happy New Year, Dilwale, Rowdy Rathore, Bodyguard etc) and catch every flick on the 70 mm screen. Even though I am not someone who cries during a film, I do feel moved or affected just as deeply and keep that emotion with me for a while.

Love Aaj Kal is a fairly good film. I liked it despite it’s flaws. I agreed with what it was trying to say – true love will find a way to come back to you; and once you have found your soulmate (for the lack of a better word) it is difficult to lead life with someone else or even alone; no matter how hard you try. Something will always be amiss. What takes the entire film a notch higher for me is the climax – Meera’s breakdown when Jai finally returns to her.

Pain, fear, relief, happiness – all rolled into one fine moment. I don’t know what it is about this 3 second scene that hits me hard every single time I watch it. It is deeply humanizing and shatters the glorified bollywood reunion of the hero-heroine where people clap as the heroine runs into the hero’s arms. You feel Meera’s pain as she tries to contain her emotions at his re-appearance. It is so brilliantly directed by Imtiaz Ali. It is these nuances that make him the master of the ‘romance’ genre. His films are more about discovering different facets of love than going through the motions of a formulaic film. Even though Socha Na Tha is his best film (After Tamasha, in my opinion) – this particular scene is somewhat of a masterstroke. The fact that she doesn’t breakdown in his arms like the typical heroine would is brilliant writing in it’s own right.

I didn’t look at Deepika the same way after this film. People usually credit the upswing in her career to Cocktail but this film showcased her talent long before. This scene and the one where Jai rants on her wedding day, while Meera stands there resolutely, are testament to her talent.

Special mention to Dooriyan – a song that never goes out of fashion for me. That song is magic.

Scenes from a married life #1 – Dry Cleaning

Well this is mostly a drabble on the daily struggles of married life (As if I know anything about a successful married life) I find the dynamic of this relationship very interesting. After all, it’s the little things that fill life with joy. Also, I have been watching some amazing short films and I feel very inspired. Hope you enjoy this. I plan on writing many more situation-based sketches.

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Ragini rung the door bell and being the impatient person that she was, immediately started tapping her feet. With the weight of her laptop bag bogging her down emotionally just as much as physically, she waited for Akash to open the door and greet her with a welcoming smile. All she wanted to do was crash into bed and sleep.

After only a few seconds, the door opened and Akash stood before her wearing soiled clothes and a goofy smile on his face.

“Hey baby, why’re you so late?”, he asked jovially as he gave her a hug and a peck on her lips. Despite her exhaustion, Ragini gave him a smile and said, “Overload of work, as usual. There were too many deadlines that needed to be met and it seems as though none of my team members want to work in my absence. And that Trivedi – I don’t know what problem he has with female bosses. It takes all of my strength to get him to work and…” she cut off midway because Akash didn’t seem to be listening, “Why do you look so happy?”

He grinned and said, “You’ll see soon enough. Why don’t you go and change while I put dinner on the table?”

She nodded, dumped her laptop bag on the nearby sofa and said, “Let me just have a glass of water”

He nodded, kissed on her cheek and walked into the kitchen. She took out a bottle of water from the fridge and just as she was about to drink, she peeked into the kitchen to see what Akash was upto. What she saw completely horrified her. The kitchen was in a complete mess. The masala jars were all in a disarray and there were dirty utensils lying all over the place. There were half chopped vegetables on the slab and all the kitchen towels were soiled. As she kept the bottle back in the fridge, she noticed less than half of the quantity of milk in the big steel container that she usually kept on a daily basis. There was no dahi either.

With piling annoyance and resentment, she marched into the kitchen and said loudly, “What the hell are you upto?!”

He dropped the spoon he was holding in surprise and turned towards her, “Ragini why are you in here? I thought you were going to go freshen up! Please go, chalo leave”, he said as he started to usher her out.

Tch, I’m not going anywhere. What have you done to the kitchen? And why haven’t you bought milk and dahi? I had told you before leaving, hadn’t I?”

Arey I’ve made your favorite mattar paneer today! and you know the kitchen gets messy when I cook. I’ll clean it up na baby, why’re you getting so hyper?”

Ragini held up a hand and scowled, “I know how you clean the kitchen okay…don’t try to fool me. All you will do is dump the dishes in the sink and wipe the slab. I’ll have to reset the mismatched jar caps, throw the left-over vegetables, clean the stove and the microwave and keep those kitchen towels for laundry. And you will probably have used the same spoon for salt and haldi!”

Akash immediately lowered her gaze and peeked at her with guilty eyes. She let out an exasperated sigh and flung her arms, “I knew it”

“I cooked your favorite dish and that doesn’t mean anything to you, does it?”, he said in a hurt voice.

“It does, but does that mean you ignore all your responsibilities for it? When will you grow up Akash? Am I the only one responsible for keeping this house together? Will you only do as much as you’re instructed to do? Can’t you do things on your own, accept some responsibility on your own? Bolo?”

She was glaring at him with furious eyes and her face was lit up with one expression – ‘I-have-had-enough’. It was intimidating yet familiar at the same time. She had this habit of giving long furious pauses in between her outbursts during which she expected him to tell her what she wanted to hear, but on the contrary they always made Akash want to laugh. He always struggled with keeping his grin in check during one of those but it was really difficult to say the least. Unfortunately his self restraint cracked and he let one grin slip.

Nothing could have infuriated Ragini more. She hated it when he did that. She felt like she was raging at a wall and would only end up hurting herself if she tried anymore. Unable to find the right words to express her indignation, she flung her arms in the air once again and said, “That’s it. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. You think this is funny don’t you? Leave me alone and don’t you dare try to talk to me!

With that, she turned on her heel and made to march towards their room. Realizing that this would end up in silent treatment and passive aggressive behavior for days, Akash rushed towards her and held her arm, “Acha wait wait wait…I’m sorry, okay? I’m really sorry”

She jerked her arm out of his grasp and said, “What are you sorry for? For smiling or not taking up responsibility?”

“For both. I know I’m irresponsible and callous. I’m working on it, seriously”

“You just don’t get it Akash. I feel like I need to take care of everything in this house. You take me for granted. If I don’t pay attention to the bills, they don’t get paid. If I don’t give instructions to the maid, the house won’t get cleaned. If I don’t keep track of the groceries, there will be no food on the table. If I don’t make sure that everything broken gets fixed on time, you will probably not even notice a leaking tap…or, or a seepage in the plumbing. Do you ever notice anything?”

He pondered for a second and said, “I got the TV repaired last week”

“That was only because you turned it on to watch the match and it wasn’t working! You only notice things that affect you directly!”

“Alright, I accept that. But I will make a conscious effort to make changes, Ragini. Just give me some time. I’ll even maintain a to-do list from now on wards”

Once again, she slipped into one of her dramatic pauses but she seemed calmer this time. She unfolded her arms and her gaze softened a bit. A few seconds later, she said, “Do you mean it?”

“Yes, baby, absolutely”, he said earnestly.

“Okay. I’m telling you though, I’m going to stop taking care of everything if you keep this up. And you are going to clean the kitchen after dinner today. Completely”

“I promise”, he replied with a smile.

Reluctantly, she smiled and Akash let out a sigh of relief, “Can I get a hug?”, he asked.

With the smile still on her face, she walked into his open arms and felt him enclose her warmly. Snuggling her head in his shoulder, she asked, “Did you pick up the clothes from the dry cleaning? They were due today”

Akash’s smile melted away like ice-cream on a hot pan.