Roller Coaster Ride

I was greeted by the familiar heat wave as I landed in Delhi. It was snowing in Amsterdam when I left. 11 hours later, I was waiting to get back home and turn the fan on full blast. Such is my life. I have become so used to travelling in the past 8 months or so – that being in one place for more than a while starts getting to me. From Isreal to Bangalore to Italy to Amsterdam to Delhi to Brussels to Berlin to Amsterdam (again) and now back to Delhi. I will be leaving soon again in a couple of months. One would say that living a life of a nomad (in a manner of speaking) can be exhausting physically and emotionally. It surely is, but it’s also the only way I feel like I can move ahead in life. Heal. Feel. Be happy.

This trip was such a roller coaster ride. I landed in Brussels one day before my audition, 10 days after my surgery and one day after my DJ stent was removed (not fun, seriously), totally unprepared for the intensive and tiring process of an audition. Needless to say, I was really really bad. They didn’t select me and obviously, I was very very dejected. I left Brussels with a broken heart and damaged self-esteem, but a stronger sense of conviction to crack the next one. I landed in Berlin and hustled as hard as I could. I attended classes and worked on myself before and after. I couldn’t afford to lose another opportunity for two reasons – 1) I loved the school (Tanzfabrik, for dance lovers) and 2) I didn’t think my ego would be able to take another blow. In the meanwhile, I fell in love with Berlin. The city has class. It has a persistent neo-noir feel to it, combined with it’s traditional architecture and active art scene. I loved walking in the city. Every road, every wall, every U-Bahn station had something different to offer visually. I could imagine myself living there.

(Special mention – Berlin Hauptbahnhof is effing awesome)

BeH

I walked into my audition feeling and looking confident. I knew I had this. I gave it my best shot, and walked out feeling a little bit content with what I had done. I got selected and patted myself on the back for having recovered from an initial loss. But I had no time to celebrate as my tiring journey was not about to end anytime soon. I started packing for Amsterdam immediately after.

By the way, I always make this mistake of not carrying anything to eat during train/bus rides in Europe, which basically means 6+ hours of no food and water unless you decide to get up and cross all the compartments to find the pantry car. But I think I’ve made stupider mistakes in Europe so I’ll let that one pass. Either way, the moment I stepped foot in Amsterdam all my exhaustion basically vanished because I.am.in.love.with.the.city! Everyone talks about having a soulmate. Well, I have a soulcity: Amsterdam. There is something about this place that just makes me happy. I don’t really know what it is. Maybe it is the sight of the river, or the perennially happy people, or the infinite bicycles, or the beautifully lit cafes and restaurants, or the amazing (!!) architecture, or the canal rides, or the way it looks like at night, or just the liveliness of the place, or the way it makes me feel. Maybe it’s all of them. I don’t really know; all I know is that I could live here for an eternity and beyond.

Ams

Unfortunately though, just like everywhere else, I didn’t really get a chance to do any touristy things. I dove head on into classes and choreography. My days were all about dancing, cleaning the house, finding food and drinking too much white wine. True story, I had way too much white wine in Amsterdam. Not my fault its cheap and great. One fine day though, I managed to lock myself out of my apartment at night and had to call an emergency locksmith to open it for me. Had to spend a fortune on it and the guilt still eats at me. I hate the lock system in Europe. Other than this small (but financially big) hiccup, Amsterdam was as awesome as ever. Tiring, but still awesome.

I did manage to do one of the things I had fallen in love with last time – take a ferry ride. I shed tears throughout (Nostalgia does that)

In the meanwhile, I also got selected at Lasalle College of Arts, Singapore – something I had wanted for a while. But couldn’t make it at Amsterdam school of arts – which depressed me so much that I spent a whole day sulking and yes, drinking wine. I really, really wanted it. I would have chosen it without a second thought. But the competition in the dance world is cutthroat and maybe I wasn’t good enough. Nevertheless, the university is amazing and I hope I get a chance to study there at some point. It’s about prestige now.

Life is Europe is always a blur for me. Days fuse into nights fuse into days. It all feels like a matter of a couple of seconds. There is not enough time to stop and think. The garbage needs to be put out, the clothes need to be washed, breakfast needs to be cooked, dishes need to be done, house needs to be cleaned, money needs to be spent judiciously, transport needs to be figured out, adequate groceries need to be bought – other than working on your main objective, of course. I get tired and I love that. In Delhi, I can afford to take so much for granted but not in a foreign land – that keeps me on my toes constantly and I love being in that state. It’s always an experience I learn alot from. I never come back empty handed.

I am still in the hustle mode from Europe and I want to continue to be in it for as long as I’m here. If I stop and pause, I’ll crumble, and I can’t afford that.

Random ramblings

Here I am, sitting in one of the expensive-for-no-reason DB trains, travelling from Berlin to Amsterdam and tapping my fingers on the keypad thinking about what to write. I am normally very bad at coming up with good topics to write about. My thoughts are too scattered and open-ended to come up with a concrete idea. My mind jumps from one topic to the other in a matter of seconds, and all the content that I thought of for the previous topic(s) is immediately lost. So I think it’s better for me to write a running commentary.

Trains journeys are the best metaphor for life. Just like a train ride, life meanders through different terrains and stops in one place for some time. People come and go in your life throughout it’s course, people come and go throughout the course of a train ride too. None of them are permanent, even if you manage to develop a strong bond with them. Everyone leaves at some point or the other. You are only left with your own company.

I often think about what “being content” means. Sometimes I think it’s about chasing your dream to the best of your ability, other times I think it’s about finding that one person who makes you feel like you’re home. But then there are moments of clarity when I realize that maybe it’s about feeling happy when you are with yourself. None of us really love ourselves. We are constantly looking for something, someone to fulfill a void we can’t fill ourselves. It’s not an easy feat. Heck, definitely not for a royally messed up person like me. God knows I have issues that will take several lifetimes for me to fix before I can love myself. I am a loner because that’s my comfort zone; not because I love my own company. If I had to spend an entire evening with my own clone, I would dash for the first exit. True story, I would not date my male counterpart. The two of us would rip eachother’s hair off.

It’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that there is no one who is meant to be by your side forever, especially not in a world that tries to sell us the concept of ‘eternal love’ all the time. Movies like The Notebook make you believe that you will die in your soulmate’s arms in the hospital bed. Who doesn’t want to believe that? It’s the most comforting idea in the world. I want to believe that too. I want to be able to close my eyes and not feel scared. We want another human being for that comfort and security because going through life and all it’s problems all alone is too much to imagine. We just might be capable of it; but the idea still scares the crap out of us.

Does that mean we should all declare celibacy and head to the mountains to meditate? Hell no. I cannot abandon a lot of small comforts for anything. I think maybe what I’m trying to say is that we need to stop trying to find ‘contentment’, because we are just too mortal to find nirvana (unless you’re snort coke) We will always be in a state of unrest. We will always be looking for something, despite not knowing what is truly is. Perhaps learning from the journey is more important than dwelling over the destination, because you don’t know if you will ever get there…or if it will be what you wanted if you do get there.

If you have something that makes you feel happy right now and makes you smile before drifting off to sleep, fight for it. It can be anything – a dream, a person, a job, an idea, a friend, a new recipe or a tv show. Don’t give up before giving it your heart and soul, because you never know when it’s going to slip through your hands. Trading present happiness for an expected future gain is the worst bargain in life. (Not to be confused with ‘not stepping out of your comfort zone’. There is a difference between being comfortable & lazy and truly happy)

Anyone who knows me knows I hustle hard. I never think I’ve done a good enough job. Whether it is doing the dishes or putting up a choreography – I will always be dissatisfied (not satisfied with this post either) But this constant relay makes me happy. It makes me feel like there is one thing I can truly call my own.

And I will fight for it until the day I die.