âI swear to god; I will kill myself!â she cried whilst holding a sharp knife to her wrist.
âMom, please! Donât behave like this! Sambhalo apne aap ko!â screamed Vikas frantically. He couldnât believe how quickly things had spiralled out of his control. At the outset, he had been so sure that he would be able to handle this well. He had been so sure that he would be able to get through to his mother. Little did he know that he hardly knew his own mother and how inaccessible she had become, surrounded thickly by her own grief and sorrow.
âDonât you dare tell me what to do! You have betrayed me all along! I trusted you so much, I thought you would listen to me!â
Hair unkempt, dupatta having slipped down onto the floor, tears streaming endlessly down her face, the frail and tiny woman shivered as she screamed each word. It did not seem as though her son had confessed that there was a girl he was in love with and wanted to marry, it seemed as though he had proposed to disown her. To her, perhaps, there was simply no difference between the two.
âMom, please calm down! Youâre really scaring me! At least try to understand what Iâm saying. Iâm your son!â Vikas screamed the last three words in a desperate attempt to make his mother understand.
She let the knife linger at her wrist a for a few more seconds before her knees gave in and she fell down on the floor, the knife slipping away from her hand with a loud clunk. She immediately started sobbing like a baby and held her head between her palms. Vikas slowly walked towards her and sat down next to her. He grasped her hand and said, âIâm sorry mom, I know I have hurt you. I know a lot of things have come as a shock to you. I lied and that is hurting you the most. But you must understand why I did it. I did it because I knew this is how you would take it. I cannot see you like thisâ
âT-t-hen wh-why dd-id you-u d-do it a-at all?â she asked in between sobs.
Vikas sighed, âIâm in love, mom. I donât think thatâs a crime. I do have the right to choose my life partner, donât I?â
Although tears continued to stream down her face, she took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself down and said, âYouâre doing your masters right now. Donât you realize how much pain your parents have taken to be able to provide you with such excellent education? How much money we have invested in it, so that you can make a good life? How can you even think of marriage right now? All these things are a distraction!â
âWhose talking about marriage mom? All her family is suggesting is an engagement so that the commitment is final from both sides. We can get married whenever we want. I will focus on my career and so will she. This will validate the relationship, thatâs all. Besides, Iâm not a baby. Iâm 25 years old. You do realize that we both have already committed to each other, donât you?â
At this point, her temper rose and she said in a raised voice, âSo is that my fault? Did you ask me before committing? Why should I bear the punishment and pain of something that I didnât decide?!â
âThat is not the point!â said Vikas in a slightly irritated voice, âI just told you that I have the right to choose my life partner. We fell in love. We didnât decide to, it just happened. That does not mean that it will ruin my career or I will not be able to make a good life. We lived together when we were in US, mom. I think that speaks a lot for itselfâ
âYou should be ashamed of yourself. How could you do that? How could you take such a step without thinking twice?â she asked as she suddenly got up, âIs that what I have taught you? Didnât you think about the familyâs respect? About us?â
âI know that it sounds wrong to you, but what Iâm trying to say is that we were able to take that step because we are so sure about our future. There is no doubt in our minds that we will marry each other one day. It was not a casual deal; it was a mark of our commitment. Please try to understand thatâ
Once again, she shook her head and said in any icy tone, âNo, I donât want to know. This engagement is not possible. We didnât send you abroad to do all this. How can you get engaged to someone without even getting a job? Without standing on your own legs? I cannot allow you to make a commitment like that without having a financial backbone!â
âWhat does my financial backbone have to do with this? I’m not being asked to financially support her or spend money on her in anyway. Honestly, she wouldn’t ask for that even when we’re married! The commitment is already there and has been there for the past one year! Thatâs what Iâm trying to tell you! Her family got to know that we lived together in US, they know that both of us have to go back again, so if we went as an engaged couple it will simply make them feel reassured. Come to think of it, it should be reassuring to you as well! Would you want me to lie to you again?â
Vikas was feeling drained. Their conversation was simply going in circles. She was looking at what had happened in the past and what he proposed should happen in future as two disconnected events that were both crimes in her head. She simply wasnât trying to understand that the natural progression of any relationship is to take a step forward, especially when the two involved are on the same page. He had hoped that she would at least understand, if not respect, his decision. But he had not even been able to get past the âacceptanceâ stage.
Living together under one roof is an accepted norm overseas. In India, however, itâs a blasphemous idea, enough to make the immediate society shudder. So naturally when their parents found out, all hell broke loose. Her parents, however, came to the conclusion that if they had to be living together then might as well make the commitment official. âLet us feel safe and not unsure all the timeâ, was their argument.
Vikas had been apprehensive when that happened. He knew his mom would not take it well, but he also knew that he wanted to spend his life with that woman because she made him happy. She made him feel content. He had given her his word and he would keep it. It was the thought of her that gave him strength in difficult situations.
âMy decision is final Vikas. If you want to be with that girl, you leave my house. I will never see your face again. You can do whatever you wish to with your life. I am already dead inside, so whatâs the difference? How does it matter to you, whether I live or die?â
Tears started streaming down her face again as she continued to mumble to herself. Vikas realized that there was no point in trying to talk to her right now, he would have to try again later when she was saner and more mature. He took a deep breath and said, âWeâll talk about this later mom. Why donât you have dinner and sleep?â
âI donât want to eat anything. I wonât eat until you give up on this crazy idea!â
And with that, she got up and went inside her room, banging the door behind her.
Vikas sat there staring after his mom, trying to blink away some of the tears that were threatening to roll down his face. He was caught in a situation where he had no idea what to do. He wished his mother would stop reacting in such a childish way and using threats to manipulate him. He felt stuck and helpless. If he were honest to himself, deep down in his heart he knew what the permanent solution was. But he also knew that it would take a lot of courage to put it on the table. At that moment, his phone rang. He wiped a lone tear off his cheek and picked it up, âHi Dadâ
âHi beta, is everything okay?â
Vikas let out a sigh, âNo Dad. Nothing is okay. When are you back?â
âIn about 10 minutesâ
âOkay dad. I need to talk to you about somethingâ
Vikas kept the phone down and tried to arrange his scattered thoughts. If he could convince his father, then he would be one step closer. It would be tough, but doing the right thing was never easy.
15 minutes later, when his father had arrived and had had his customary cup of coffee, Vikas sat across from him at the dining table and said, âPapa, we need to discuss Momâs state of mindâ
His father let out a defeated sigh and said, âBeta you know how she is. I have tried to channel her thoughts in the positive direction time and again, but she simply doesnât want to. She is mentally very weakâ
âPapa you canât find a solution unless you identify the problem. The way she is right now is not something that has happened overnight. Itâs the accumulated effect of all the years she has spent feeling wronged and cheated by everyone around her. She has started looking at herself like a victim in every situation Papa. Canât you see what is happening here? Itâs gotten to a point where she has started to threaten suicide!â
Vikas was trembling as he spoke. They had become so used to his mother whining and complaining all the time that they had accepted it as a part of who she was. âThatâs just how she isâ, was their usual refrain. They either tried to avoid triggering her or architected their behaviour to suit her wishes. They never really tried to tackle the root of the problem. This situation, however, was one too many for him to handle. It was neither avoidable nor designable. They would have to look at it for what it was and take a small step towards finding a permanent solution instead of band-aid ones.
âI know why you are suddenly saying all this. Itâs because you donât want to lose that girlâ
Vikas shook his head lightly and said, âThatâs a part of the reason, Papa. But momâs behaviour has been raising red flags for a while and you know it. Do you think she has a problem with the engagement? No! she thinks that she will lose me in some way if that happens. Sheâs insecure and thatâs why sheâs lashing out. This is her fear talking, not her. She is trying to keep me clutched to her chest in whatever way possible. She will behave like a child, threaten suicide, will stop eating â anything to avoid facing that fear. And I can assure you that her passive-aggressive side will come out tomorrow in the form of depression and silent treatmentâ
His father processed what he said for a while and said, âSo what are you suggesting?â
Vikas continued, âLook this situation seems to be the problem now, but itâs not. Today itâs the woman I love and tomorrow it will be my career choice, later my decision to buy a house or how to raise my kid. No matter what it is, she will react in the same manner. Except that itâs getting increasingly worse. She has no faith in either of us. She thinks if I donât walk the path the way she wants me to, I wonât be successful in life. If you donât comply with her wishes, her old age is doomed. She needs professional help. She needs someone who can make her face the fact that the real problem is inside her and so is the solution. She needs to stop expecting other people to fill the voids in her lifeâ
âAre you suggesting that we put her in a mental hospital?â asked his father curtly.
âNo, papa. And Iâm not suggesting that sheâs âmentalâ either. All Iâm saying is that her behaviour is alarming and scary, and we should get her some professional help. We can start with counselling sessions in either group or personal. Trust me, finding identification is a huge step in the healing process. Later, if it works, we can try suggesting something she can get involved in and commit her time and space toâ
âYou know she will never agreeâ
âI know, which is why we need to give her a dose of her own medicine and show her the mirror. We will suggest this idea to her and get it done the way she would get it done if it was her idea. Refuse to eat. Refuse to talk. Refuse to go to work. Keep complaining about everything. Tell her how dead you feel inside, how people in your life have used you. Be passive-aggressive. I will do the same. At some point, maybe a day, a week or a month later, she will realize what we are trying to put across. She will realize why we are suggesting this. She will accept it herself, Papaâ said Vikas earnestly.
His father drummed his fingers lightly on the table and said, âAre you sure this will work?â
âI donât know. All I know is that we need to do something drastic to get her to see what she is doing to herself and this familyâ
His father let out a sigh and said, âOkay then. Letâs do this. I am with youâ
Vikas smiled and said, âThanks Papa. We need to do this as a teamâ
His father smiled and nodded, âYes we do. And what about this situation? Will you go ahead with the engagement?â
âYes I will. If we want to find a permanent solution, we need to stop enabling her by giving in to her blackmail. There are healthy boundaries in every relationship, and its high time I defined them. If we do this together, Iâm sure we can get through to herâ
âOkay, beta. I trust youâ his father said with a smile before patting his shoulder twice. Vikas smiled back and let out a sigh of relief. Thatâs one level down, he thought to himself. He picked up his phone and messaged her:
Baby, we will get engaged. I am happy this happened, because I could finally find the courage to do something I should have done long ago. I love you : )
She got up with a jerk and wildly looked around. She was in her bed, in her room, in her house. She quickly checked her phone for any messages. It reflected nothing but the time: 9:30. She opened her whatsapp contact list and scrolled down to V. She was still blocked by Vikas. It had been 7 days since they split because his mother threatened suicide and he couldnât take a stand against her. She spent each day dreaming the same dream and waking up expecting the message she so badly wanted to read. But reality offered her nothing but the same disappointment every day.
She sank her head back into her pillow and let a tear roll down the side of her face. They were happy and content. If only he had done the right thing instead of the easy one. If only he had tried to fight the problem instead of giving into manipulation. If only he didnât let her go so easily. If only.
All she had now, were her dreams that crashed and burned every single morning, taking a piece of her with them in the flames.