Skeletons in the closet

We all have our demons that we battle with, every single day. This battle takes away a fair share of energy and mental peace. We live in times where it seems everyone is at unrest. Everyone is struggling with too many things humanely possible to handle. But somehow we do. Every single day.

I have been dealing with anxiety since I was a kid, been taking medication for almost 8 years now. I was also recently diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder – an illness that is debilitating and draining at the same time. Needless to say, I live with a lot of weight on my chest every single day. This weight doesn’t just come from my illness and anxiety though – it comes from certain bad decisions that have stayed with me like ghosts under my pillow. Their shadow follows me around everywhere, never letting me forget the error of my ways.

Certain situations become so messy and complicated that they render your ability to differentiate between right and wrong completely useless. You feel numb, almost like an inanimate item being flung around without truly understanding what’s happening. It’s only once the dust settles that you realize what the storm destroyed in it’s wake. What can you do then? Besides looking around and lamenting at the fact that things went wrong? How do you undo a bad decision?

This is very hard to write about, but I need to start acknowledging what has happened so that I can find ways to overcome it. Also because – hiding and living under a rock does no good when you’re trying to deal with the ramifications of something. It’s best to face your fears, actions (good or bad), feelings and thoughts head on. Fearing them will only make the burden worse.

It’s hard living with this burden. After years of mulling over it and thinking about what to do, I finally decided to do something to undo that bad decision. Will it work? I don’t know. I am not sure. But I will go to bed every night knowing that I tried to retrace my steps and fix it. If there is a silver lining, it it this – I don’t stop fighting for the right thing until the right thing is done. It has been long overdue. If I want to shed some of the weight off my chest, I will have to make sure the right thing is done.

I will keep trying.

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Reasons why Indian men are pigs

..And the best players in the world. Really. If you can work your way through their web of emotional manipulation, you can pretty much earn a degree in corporate and war espionage. I don’t understand why scientists and researchers across the world are still in doubt whether Dissociative Identity Disorder is real or not; Indian men have thousands of personalities, each extremely distinct. The worst part probably is they use each identity to their advantage. A lot like Edward Norton’s character from Primal Fear.

Anyway, here is my list of the top 10 reasons why Indian men are pigs.

10) They use the victim card to hook you in emotionally – Oh yes, they’re artists when it comes to using the victim card. As human beings, it is our natural tendency to feel sympathy towards someone who we feel has been wronged in some way. So they come up with ingenious stories about how their previous girlfriend was horrible to them, how their parents don’t understand them and how lonely they are, etc etc. Now an interesting fact about women is that we’re nurturers by birth. We have a biological instinct to ‘care’ for someone. It is that instinct that gets activated when a man seeks sympathy. We feel sorry for him and think that in some way, we will be able to lessen their pain.

Pokeballs, that’s a sure shot winner move! It works every single time.

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9) …But they hate it when women mollycoddle too much: Hypocrisy at it’s best. Once the lady is reeled in, they hate it when she mollycoddles too much or feels entitled to his personal space. Well, the entire basis for your relationship with her is your emotional needs. Now she’s there for you, and you don’t want her anymore?

And they say women are crazy while PMSing.

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8) …And they don’t like it if you get too friendly with other men: If you start getting closer to your other male friends, they turn into the male counterparts of Komolika (ref: Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki) and consider it their birthright to violate your personal space like your phone, social media profiles etc. They don’t rest until you either stop talking to other men or pass a custom made agni-pareeksha. They also use tactics like manipulation to make you feel guilty. “You have no time for me anymore!”

Eh, I thought you were sick of me constantly fretting over you? Cunphuson, son! 

7) …They want a ‘modern’ girlfriend, but a domestic wife: Something that probably angers me more than Twilight and 50 shades of Grey put together. It’s hypocrisy in it’s purest form. Indian men love hanging out with so called ‘modern’ women who can smoke, drink, wear sexy clothes and have pre marital sex without any moral redflags. They go around claiming to be extremely open minded. But when it comes to getting married and settling down, they want a virgin, who is as pure as Ganga Maa, and will be adored by his mother. So the ‘modern’ woman is the test drive that never culminates in a concrete deal, while the wife is the family car who doesn’t even need to be tested.

Applause! Drinks all around!

6) They think every woman is available: Any woman who does not bear any suhaag ki nishani is open and available. They think it’s okay to hit on a woman in almost any situation. They would hit on their colleague, their boss, their friend, their teacher, their sister’s friend, their therapist – no one is out of bounds. Anyone who catches their eye in the unmarried category is fair game. Even if the conversation begins in a different space, it ends up with the man hitting on the woman in one way or the other. They have the talent to steer the conversation from aliens and crop circles to how beautiful the lady’s smile is within minutes (hours, at worst)

Tulent, man!

5) They don’t have the balls to admit that they’re not serious: They will keep you on tenterhooks until the very end, but will never admit that all they want is sex and a good time. They’ll keep you hooked with false promises and distant dreams, and then drop you like a sack of hot potatoes when they’re done.

Yeh hai #mardaangi!

4) They don’t have the balls to break up with dignity: They would prefer sending you a text saying, “hey jaan i thnk itz nt wrkng out btwn us nymore..we shud move on” or updating their facebook relationship status to ‘single’ rather than saying it on your face. Neat job, fella, really chic.

Yeh hai #mardaangi vol. 2!

3) They hate it when their partners earn more than they do: The ever expanding male ego doesn’t let them live with the fact that their partner earns more than they do. This pain is worse than the pain when kicked in the balls. It makes them less of a man, somehow. It makes them smaller in comparison to the woman. And how can they let that happen?

Kya kar raha hai yaar? Mard ban, be a man!”

2) They hate it when their partner disagrees with them publicly: They take everything personally, even a disagreement about Akbar’s hundred wives. They probably wouldn’t care if it were within the four walls of their house, but hell, if she disagrees openly and manages to make fair arguments, his brain catches fire like LPG gas. The pain is real, pokeballs!

“Khud ko kya samajhti hai? Itna akadti hai”

 

1) They make fun of their wives among friends: They think their wife is their personal property or trophy, something they can flash around unabashedly among their friends and pass comments openly. To be fair, it may not always be with an intention to cause hurt, but it still is an infringement of her personal space. She isn’t a page 3 celebrity to be discussed openly. It’s insulting and demeaning, whether intentional or not intentional.

Gifs from: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/pokemon-gifs